no exit

My first mistake was not going to the gym after work. That’s what I’d planned to do. Had my gym clothes in the trunk and my iPod was fully charged. But when I left the office, I was distracted and got on the freeway instead of heading under it into downtown. As soon as I realized my mistake, it was too late. I was committed. No exit.

So I did what I often do on the drive home–I called my brother. I drive a stick (that’s what she said) and don’t like to tie one of my hands up with phone bidness, so I put in earbuds when I’m rolling.

The traffic was more stop than go. I grabbed my buds out of the glovebox, stuck them in my ears and picked up my phone to call Tohner. How long does it take to glance down, wake the phone up, go to FAVORITES and hit a button? Maybe five seconds? I’ve never really paid attention because it’s never been an issue.

Just as the line started ringing, I heard honking behind me. Beep-beepbeepbeep-BEEP-beepbeep. I looked in my rearview to see what was up. Was my car on fire? Was a cow on the road? Did someone fall asleep at the wheel? (That last would have been hard to determine because we weren’t really moving.) Then I saw him. The smug fart-smeller in the car behind me (a Volkswagen with out-of-state plates). He was gesticulating my direction.

He did the two-finger thing, where you point at your eyes and then at someone else to let them know that YOU’RE WATCHING THEM. Then he made like he was texting on an invisible phone. He said, “I SAW YOU” and kept making the same movements. I think he may have been semi-erect, he was so excited.

Thing is, this self-righteous prig didn’t realize that I wasn’t, in fact, texting and was, in fact, doing what I could to minimize the impact of my phone on my driving. I considered responding to his shitty theatre with some of my own but decided to leave him in his misery. I mean, what kind of situation do you have to be living in to get such delight in acting like a little bitch?

Here’s a photo that sums up how I feel:

Hey! Fuck off!

PS – Tohner didn’t answer.

11 Replies to “no exit”

  1. I have become a big fan of the combination thumbs up and a big, shit-eating grin. If it is a truly offensive dick, they get a double thumbs up and same grin. I have found this usually pisses the other party off even more than no response or a vulgar rebuttal.

  2. I’m totally with Sheldon. When someone is completely pissed off, I love just smiling and waving like they’re long lost friends. Oh my Lord it just really sends them through the roof.

    1. Yeah, I wondered what response this guy was looking for. The finger? A head hung in shame? Gunfire? In retrospect, I should have just cabbage-patched.

  3. Ahh hell no! Shit just got real in here. Don’t like people playing on my phone.

    I know you told one me..,

    Ps. Sorry I didn’t answer but I’m glad I wasn’t in the car with you because one angry Jackson in the car is bad but two makes for dangerous territory.Which reminds me of one time you,Brandy and I were at bar and some guys who didn’t have very good manners were causing problems and well……

    1. Ha! I still tell that story. How he started spitting on himself and may have peed a little. I’m trying to be kinder/gentler in my old age. Sometimes it works. And sometimes…

  4. What the fuck? Since when do you wear a hat? Especially an “I’m auditioning to be Big Audio Dynamite’s tour DJ” hat? Not that I don’t love it. Cause I do.

    1. I bought it before a trip to a colder climate where one can wear hats without looking like an asshole. Or a DJ.

  5. I’m also a fan of the side-to-side index finger with a smile.

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