An 81-year-old man in Florida struck a deal with prosecutors to avoid trial in a case of door-to-door breast fondling. Seems the old coot went around an apartment complex offering “free breast exams.” One of the women who thought this was a great idea (yes, there was more than one) said that he was carrying a little black bag, so it seemed legit. Um, yeah, if you’re living in the 1880s and need a doctor to place some leeches on your forehead to suck the bad thoughts out so your crops will grow again and Paw’s dry socket will heal. The only people carrying black doctor bags these days are hipsters.
She smelled a rat when he fondled her breasts instead of “examining” them and his hands moved to other, non-breast, parts of her body. He was in another woman’s apartment by the time the cops came. Who knows how many women might have fallen for this had the first lady not called the po-po. How are there this many stupid people in one place? Was their apartment complex built on a nuclear waste dump?
When asked for comment after the deal was struck, one of the victims said, “I’m not really worried about what happens to that crusty old man. I was recently contacted by a prince in Africa who needs me to help him transfer a large sum of money. With the reward he’s offering, I’ll be sipping piña coladas by the beach for the rest of my life.”
Okay, that last thing didn’t happen, but the rest of it did. What a country. In communist Russia, you have to fondle doctor’s breasts.