Stopped at Walgreens in the middle of the day yesterday to pick up a few sundries. Cruising down one aisle I had to squeeze past an old dude who was taking up a lot of space as he perused the condom and lubricant section. Good for him, I thought (with perhaps a slight shudder) and kept walking. A few minutes later I ended up in the check out line behind him. The girl scanned his three items – a big box of condoms, some shave gel and that hot/cold lubricant stuff I’ve seen ads for (hot for him, cold for her) (or maybe it’s the other way around). She placed everything in a small white plastic bag. He was slowly counting out his money – all ones – and said that he didn’t want the bag. The girl looked at him like really? and slowly brought the items back into daylight.
He’d taken up all the space on the counter with his display of dollar bills, which he was oh-so-slowly counting and recounting, so the girl had to hold his Saturday night special in her hands until he was done (that’s what she said). He kept looking around to see who was watching. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, I made sure I was looking elsewhere when his head swivelled around (that’s what… nevermind).
Once his transaction was complete, he stood just inside the door of the establishment. He pretended to check out the stack of bottled water there, but really he was hoping more people would see him with his condoms and lube. I couldn’t wait to to tell James, who was waiting in the car, all about it. I said, “There was this old dude in there who,” and James interrupted, “The guy with the big box of condoms?”
Seems Mr. Man was proudly displaying his purchase as he traveled through the parking lot. I think, in his head, he was in the midst of an awesome musical number that involved the Walgreens checker, dollar bills cascading from the sky and cars in the parking lot circling around him in a dreamy waltz as he danced in his trojan costume.
I hope his Saturday night lived up to the hype.