I’ll just wait for the fire department, thanks

I was reading a blog this morning in which the writer posted a quick entry about wanting to get HBO so she could watch Real Time with Bill Maher. One of her readers left a comment stating that if Maher were on fire, he “wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on him.”

Is that something that’s commonly done for the people you like? If one of this dude’s loved ones were across the street and on fire, would he rush over there with his wiener in his hand yelling, “I’m coming! I’m coming!”? Is this related to the little cartoon boy that pees on things and is found on the rear window of pick up trucks?

Unless you’re totally out of water, the only reason to piss on someone who is aflame would be to insult them. So it seems if you really hated someone and saw that they were, randomly, on fire and just across the street from you, one of the worst things you could do would be to run up to them, pee on them (careful not to douse the flames) and then laugh, point and watch them burn. Bonus points if you had asparagus for dinner the night before.

I guess what I’m saying is, people should find a better way to express their disdain for someone than claiming they wouldn’t pee on that person in a given set of circumstances.

9 Replies to “I’ll just wait for the fire department, thanks”

  1. If someone I loved/liked/respected had been stung by a really nasty Portuguese Man ‘o War or jellyfish, then I would pee on that person, because apparently, it helps soothe the sting. I’d make sure they wanted such help first, however, because how awful would it be to think you are doing someone a favor and find out they really would’ve rather toughed it out.

    I realize that isn’t quite what you are talking about, but I wanted to let you know that I’d do it for you. You’re welcome.

  2. I really had a good “El-o-El” with this one! I hear (read, because who really talks out loud anymore with social networking) this all of the time. Being the mother of two little people I’ve been peed on enough to last a life time.

  3. Well, how much pee are we talking about here? Even fire trucks have to tap into city lines to get a strong stream going. So, the only way I could even see that working is that you would need to recruit many others to whip it out together, or you’d have to create a human centipede kinda thing to keep the flow going long enough to put the flames out. Seems like a logistical conundrum to me.

    As for asparagus, that odor hits me not but 30 minutes after eating it. So, I’d have to keep a bunch in my pocket as a planning measure. Still, I’m gonna guess that the smell of burning flesh trumps that one anyway.

    It would probably just be easier to pee on yourself. I’ll just have to search around for an easier way to be a hero. Captain Urine would need a yellow suit, and that color of yellow washes me out, and capes are out of fashion.

  4. Now I’m picturing a man who is on fire lying on a sidewalk, circled by a group of well-meaning friends who are peeing on him. He is confused.

  5. Maybe it has something to do with slightly ambiguous statements of possible but rather weak contempt, but for some reason this post made me remember back when people were wearing “I’d walk over you to see The Who” t-shirts. I was always a bit confused as to if it was a testament for that person’s love for The Who, of an expression of their general contempt for mankind.

  6. Sounds like a confabulation, the type of which is often spewed by an old fart in the long habit of mixing his hyperbolic metaphors. Because yes, if you decided not to piss on a burning man, seems like that would be doing him a favor.

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