Standing half naked in a dressing room stall yesterday, I heard a woman talking to her child the next stall over. The child wasn’t behaving, so she asked him if he wanted a “spank spank.” He did not. A moment later she asked, “Did you lose a shoe shoe?” He did. She helped him put it back on. “Why don’t you play with your train train while mommy gets dressed?” What the fuck fuck, I thought. And maybe also said out loud.
I was hanging out with a dear friend and her old friend from middle school a couple of nights ago. As is typical when old friends get together, my friend and her buddy were talking about the good old days. The old friend casually mentioned that my friend was a mascot in high school. I didn’t know this. I hate mascots and have outlined the many reasons why here. My friend was not a costume-with-the-big-head type of mascot, though, so we’re cool.
As the three of us were discussing mascots and my, perhaps irrational, hatred of them (the old friend is a psychoanalyst) (so, you know, that was fun), I got entirely too excited talking about the running sausage mascot that got smacked with a bat at the Brewers game years back. Do you remember that? Here’s a link to the news story. You should watch it now. I’ll wait. “No one’s laughing now,” the reporter says. “I am,” I say, through tears. Never has the word “sausages” been used so many times in a news story. Genius.
As I described the sausage smacking situation to the psychoanalyst, whom I’d met literally minutes earlier, I could feel my face and neck getting hot. Not because I was embarrassed. Because I was so excited to share the story with the uninitiated. (The “I’m not a bad person” disclaimer: the woman wasn’t hurt beyond a skinned knee and maybe a bit of post-traumatic running sausage disorder – totally worth it for the joy she provided so many.)
You’ve probably seen the link to that can be my next tweet elsewhere (twitter, specifically), but if you have an active twitter account, this is a fun exercise. It predicts what your next tweet might be, based upon your past tweets. Here are a few it predicted for me (my real tweets make only slightly more sense):
- No) ritual de burger – blog post: randomness of Mick Jaggerish thing going to use my friends’ facebook?
- Ha! Front hard.
- Also – blog post: you see on like you in Houston today? about diminishing Houston to watch the big girl.
- That article makes me alone with language)!
- Burger – blog post: happiness vortex.
- Belaboring the good poboy. Not old school Antone’s, but sometimes I would just shower less. Ha!
- Fight stupidization on where I had a conversation over here. Be happy, bitches.
Indeed. Hilarious and oddly illuminating. Be happy, bitches.