suddenly, my faith in humanity was restored

Leaving work yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker on a car in our parking lot (a visitor’s car, not staff) that said:

Annoy a Liberal
Work, Succeed, Be Happy

I stood by the car for a moment, hoping the person would exit the building so I could ask if they really believe that “liberals” want non-liberals to be unemployed, unsuccessful and unhappy. Because, though I do hope that anyone who spurts hateful, divisive political rhetoric gets a bad case of explosive diarrhea and ass pimples, I don’t wish  unemployment, failure and misery on them. Or anyone else. And I think that most people, regardless of their political affiliation, generally hope that their fellow citizens have fruitful, happy lives.

The person didn’t exit the building (or saw me standing there and decided I wanted to make them unhappy) (which, now that you mention it, is sort of true), so I got in my ride and drove homeward (with my own bumper sticker on the back exhorting people to fight stupidization – I guess maybe that could be insulting to stupid people).

On the freeway, I saw a black Corvette with the license plate: bone md.

Then I stopped at Spec’s to get a bottle of wine. There were only two employees running registers, so each line had two or three people in it (the usual post-work rush). The guy in front of me wanted to pick out some cigars and a lighter, so my checker had to go open a case for him while he stood there trying to decide what he wanted. On the other register, there was an issue determining the price of an item. So both lines became backed up. And you would have thought that, in the midst of a famine, we’d been in the bread line for 8 hours and when we got to the front they said they were out of bread. The people behind me were sighing and bitching and moaning and rolling their eyes and stomping their feet like this was the worst fucking thing to happen to them in their lives. And all I could think was: REALLY?

In my usual yin/yang approach to things, the more irritated they became, the more at peace I became. And, this probably says something bad about me, but I sort of enjoyed how pissed they were getting. Because it was so ridiculous and unnecessary and melodramatic and American. I turned around and smiled at their scrunched up, angry faces. They didn’t smile back.

I walked back to my car (parked in the usual no ding zone), and there was a black Corvette parked next to me. It wasn’t the bone doctor, sadly. Because that would have been awesome.

Anyway, I was not impressed with my fellow citizens by the time I completed my 30 minute journey home. But today is a new day. When I arrived at my office this morning, there was a little surprise waiting for me.

two tastes that taste great together - the marriage of two of life's infinite pleasures

That would be chocolate covered bacon, handmade by my coworker Shannon. A little parcel of the stuff was dangling from the handle of my office door, wrapped in red cellophane–reminiscent of uncooked bacon–with a twisty silver star ribbon wrapped around it for that extra splash of panache. And just like that, my faith in humanity was restored. By surprise bacon and a thoughtful friend.

Yes, of course it was delicious. Do you even have to ask? The saltiness of the bacon was balanced by the sweetness of the chocolate. The bacon was thick and just a bit chewy and the chocolate was thin and smooth.

Is this a great country or what?

8 thoughts on “suddenly, my faith in humanity was restored

  1. You missed the point of the first bumper sticker: Liberals want EVERYONE to be unemployed, unsuccessful and unhappy so that they will vote like Liberals! (Then the revolution can begin!)

  2. I don’t agree with them, but I have to work with enough of them to know that the idea behind that bumper sticker is not as you suggest that they think liberals want them to be unhappy as well as unemployed, but rather they mean to imply that all liberals want to laze around sucking on the welfare teat and waiting for the next handout rather than working hard to support themselves. And that said lazy liberals will be annoyed when someone does work because that makes them look bad. I know, I know, even with my shoes off I don’t possess enough phalanges to count up the logical fallacies. But don’t you see that you too have made one by assuming you know what “they” think without having listened to “them” enough to know? Both sides do this, just as both sides skew the framing of the discussion. I drink my whiskey and miss Charles Bukowski, whom it seems I quote more and more with each passing year. In this case, “All politics is like fucking a dead cat up the ass.” To which I add for the benefit of those who don’t always see the implications, “it doesn’t do you or the cat any darn good at all.” Happy Friday!

  3. i’m just glad that all of this happened to you! if i had been there for any part of the events, i would have spontaneously combusted( HOLY SHIT!!!! i spelled spontaneously correctly)!!!! glad you could convey such a great story arc in a single day. i would have waited on that idiot’s bumper with a bat until they tried to leave. (see the Sagittarius horoscope on the Onion this week)

    1. You know, sometimes I think these things don’t bother me that much because I know I’ll be able to write about them here after the fact. And some of you will commiserate while others will tell me I’m a dumbass, and the world will somehow become balanced in the end.

  4. Dude- I have to agree with Sheldon and the Baseball bat thing- some things never change.
    Good piece of writing crystal, enjoyed it.


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