A Modest Proposal for Our Times

Life sure is getting complicated, isn’t it? From trying to figure out how you’ll retire in 20 years if social security is bankrupt to determining which couple to pick as the winner in your Dancing With the Stars pool at work, modern lives are a tumultuous, peanut butter and jelly swirl of opportunity and stagnation. Intellectual growth and non-masturbating former witches who are aggressively moronic. The Trevor Project and homophobic politicians who like to tap one out in the restroom at the airport after passing anti-gay legislation. It’s hard to keep up with the latest crop of sound bites spoon fed to us by the media, much less figure out if there should be an apostrophe in the first word of this sentence.

Let’s simplify one thing in our super busy lives. From now on, no more smarty pants comments in reference to a poorly spelled diatribe with horrible grammar in the feedback section of the online newspaper. What are you, an elitist? Perhaps you would like to marry your dog once you are done critiquing everyone else’s writing. Nerd. Sure, “Its so typical for a sochalist demoCANT to want take the easy road by taxing me to death meanwhile your not paying taxes of yourself” doesn’t make much sense on a literal level. But squint your eyes and tilt your head, and I think you’ll understand what Mr. Tea Party is trying to say. See what I mean? We really are all speaking the same language, though at times it feels like we aren’t.

Proposed Simplified Language, Draft One: Common Words.

ur: From now on, no more debate between your and you’re. If we all just use “ur,” we’ll all be right, ALL THE TIME!

thair: Instead of their/there/they’re, let’s go for the much more elegant “thair.” It looks European, doesn’t it?

its: Let’s just get rid of the apostrophe. Clean, simple and works for any occasion.

whoos: No more who’s/whose. Plus, this makes me think of an owl. Whoot!

moran: Let’s just all agree that we’ll spell it the way most idiots do.

We will never truly be equal until we are all equally stupid.

11 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal for Our Times

  1. Nay! I say we continue to fight the stupidization of our society.

    One way to do that is to continually remind idiots that they’re stupid and shouldn’t even be allowed to hold an opinion, much less vote. Mocking their grammar and punctuation is one way to accomp-lish this.

    In the wise words of the philosopher Scott Adams: ‎”… I believed that conversation was a process by which I could demonstrate my cleverness, complain about what was bugging me, and argue with people in order to teach them how dumb they were. To me, listening was the same thing as being bored.”

  2. Though many political candidates would have you think otherwise, it’s not a virtue to be stupid, and it’s not a sin to be smart. And there’s a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Stupidity is what I take issue with.

    As a wise man once said, “It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”

  3. Conn: you took issue with “mute point”, but let “irregardless” slide in the same sentence? (Both usages were meant to be mocking of common Texan-speak.)

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