this is why the terrorists hate us

My brother Mason was a bacon aficionado. He loved (and ingested) the stuff more than seemed possible for such a slim guy. I still remember when he excitedly shared the news that there was a place near College Station that served…deep fried bacon. As in, bacon that was battered and dropped in the deep fryer. In this modern age of fried butter and fried coke, deep fried bacon doesn’t seem that exotic. But this was a few years ago, before America had completely given up and just strapped the permanent feed bag to its mouth. We talked about taking a trip to this magical bacon wonderland, but, like many plans in life cooked up over too many beers, never actually made it there.

All this to say, when Dennis and I went to Christian’s Tailgate for burgers today and Dennis spotted “Country Fried Bacon Burger” on the menu, it seemed a crime not to give it a try. As the title of this post suggested, the Country Fried Bacon Burger is an example of all that is wrong (and yet so, so right) with this country. One of Christian’s already large burgers was topped with all the usual trimmings PLUS about three pieces of battered and fried bacon PLUS two onion rings. I’m almost regurgitating as I type.

You can see the sheer height of the burger in the shot above. No way my dainty mouth was getting around that thing. So I removed the fried materials from the burger to munch on the side. I was disappointed in the bacon. It seemed to have been thrown in the fryer raw, so it was limp and chewy. The breading was a little too thick, too. I have no idea what voodoo is necessary to deep fry something like bacon, but it seems to me that at least partially cooking it first would make the bacon feel better in the mouth, taste better and allow for less of the batter to be stuck to the outside. Hard to believe there can be overkill on something as ridiculous as deep fried bacon, but overkill there was. Too much breading.

As per usual, Christian’s burger was still very tasty, though I only ate about half of it. The majority of my country fried bacon sat wilted and forlorn in my little red burger basket. Though the bacon didn’t live up to the fantasy, I’m glad I tried it. Instead of pouring some out for my homie who isn’t here, I ate a piece of ridiculousness in his honor.

11 thoughts on “this is why the terrorists hate us

  1. Rod Wilson

    Funny. I think I’m gonna make the First Annual Mason Jackson Memorial Bacon Explosion for the fam on Labor Day. Made it last year, but this year I’m sure it’ll taste just a little bit better.

    1. I have a picture in my kitchen of Mason making the bacon explosion. His lard-based artistry was a sight to behold, each piece of bacon lovingly woven into another to make a blanket of deliciousness.

      What a great tribute to him. He would definitely approve.

  2. Chron Man

    That is indeed why the terrorists hate us.

    We could save a lot of TSA money and shorten the security lines if we just made everyone eat some deep fried bacon before they were allowed on the plane.

    1. How can a place that sells deep fried bacon NOT sell beer? How are you supposed to power that grease through your body if you don’t have the propulsion of a bubbly beverage to help it through?

  3. Conn

    “No way my dainty mouth was getting around that thing.”

    Really Crystal, you gotta stop, it’s getting beyond shameful.

    And….dainty mouth? Really??? Who YOU trying to kid? šŸ˜›

    Back on topic….

    I’m guessing you’ve heard of Bakon, the bacon flavored vodka, but in case you haven’t: http://bakonvodka.com/

    I’m imagining the bloody mary I could concoct with that stuff. Not that I’d drink the stuff myself.

    1. Dainty in SIZE, Conn. Had to have four teeth pulled before I got braces because there wasn’t enough room.

      Hhmmm…bacon flavored vodka. I’m not sure how to feel about that. I love bacon. I love vodka. I think the bloody mary might be the only way it could work.

  4. Al

    Add a crisp sprig of lettuce as a stirrer (in lieu of celery stalk), and you have a BLT in a glass? Sounds healthy!

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