open letter

Dear Facebook Drama Queen,

We don’t actually know each other, at least not in three-dimensional life, so this request may seem a little forward of me. But I feel compelled to ask you to please stop with all of the melodramatic facebook status updates.

When I first became your “friend” on facebook, I didn’t really know that much about you. We have a couple of friends in common, you look like a nice person, you’re not a creepy guy (I think – since I don’t actually know you in 3-D life, I guess you could be just about anything).

What I’ve been able to ascertain at this point is that you like to manufacture drama in your life, and as soon as you do so a number of sycophantic friends pipe in with words of support and encouragement. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about (an example that I have made up – you don’t need to go back through your feed looking for it):

DRAMA QUEEN (that’s you!): Jeezus, this guy in line behind me at the DMV is totally checking out my ass. Dream on, loser.
ENABLER1: Come on, girl, you know you’re hot!
ENABLER2: I’d be staring at your ass if I were behind you. Rawr!
DRAMA QUEEN: I should be able to go out of my house without having to beat guys off me all day. Enough already. This is why I’m single.

Do you see how you did that? How, superficially, it looks like you are complaining about an irritating experience at the DMV, something we can all relate to. But if you dig just a little bit deeper, you’re actually talking about how nice your ass is. And it may be nice, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. You are basically setting up your friends to also talk about how nice your ass is, setting off a chain reaction of ass compliments. Instead of responding with a sheepish, “Aw shucks, guys,” you instead say that not only was someone checking your ass out today, but this is something that you deal with every time you leave your house. Because you’re just that hot.

I don’t begrudge anyone having high self-esteem. Or, perhaps this constant call for compliments is actually a sign that you have desperately low self-esteem. Either way, I don’t expect this little note to change your behavior, so I’ve decided to “hide” you on facebook. I just wanted you to know, that’s one of the reasons I’m not telling you how nice your ass is.

That, and the fact that I have no idea what your ass looks like.



11 responses to “open letter”

  1. Jeez Crystal, if you want me to tell you how nice your ass looks, I’ll tell you, you’ve got a hot ass. Enough already!

    (Personally, I think your rack is hotter)

  2. See, I can’t even not leave my house without being accosted. It’s so hard being this attractive. My dog is across the room from me just looking at me with these big eyes. I know she wants me, but I keep telling her I DON’T DATE DOGS! And if I did, I’d probably go for one that weighs more than 11 pounds and has a job. Sigh. Ugly people have it so much easier.

  3. I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t say that you couldn’t date your dog because she’s FEMALE…

  4. Also – just because you hide your Facebook friend’s posts from your view, doesn’t mean YOUR posts are hidden from HER view. I absolutely MUST know if she ever reads your blog post and responds.

    (It wasn’t Tracy was it? If so, she’s taking it pretty well!)

  5. Fine I’ll quit talking about my sweet, sweet ass. (Happy now)

  6. Your Facebook friend wasn’t named “Ines Sainz” by any chance, was she?

    “I should be able to go into any locker room without having to beat guys off me all day. Enough already.”

    No wait, Ines is married.

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