We had another great rehearsal tonight. I was gathering my things when one of the actors came back into the rehearsal room with the news that her car was blocked in and she couldn’t leave. Being the type of chick I am, I thought, I’ll move this little lady’s car. No problem.

Then I saw that she wasn’t exaggerating. She had about an inch and a half behind her (as noted in the photo above) and maybe four inches in front. When she parked, she was the only car on the block. The car behind her was the worst offender. It was parked almost on top of her, it was over the red striped lines that say DON’T PARK and, of course, it was a fucking Mercedes with a handicap tag on the rearview.

We stood there for a long time, waiting for the douchebags to return to their vehicle. I was primed and ready to read someone the riot act unless a) they were old or b) they seemed compromised in some way. We saw lots of douchey cigar smoking office guys who looked promising, but they kept walking. We saw young hipsters in expensive clothes who might’ve borrowed Peepaw’s car, but they kept walking. We saw a middle aged lady in a neck brace who would have only gotten a slight chiding, but she kept walking. Slowly. After nearly an hour of this bullshit, we were going to call a tow truck. Then the chick decided she would risk the structural integrity of her car to play bumper cars to get out. She had to hit both cars, front and back, numerous times (something I wouldn’t have done with my car ’cause I’m funny that way), and after about ten tries she was out of there. I used the pent up anger I felt at the situation to pen the following (with help from Abby and Robert who were standing nearby):

You almost got towed tonight. Lucky for you, we aren’t the inconsiderate asshole that you obviously are. Learn how to park.

I realize there is still the possibility that a cute little old lady drives that car and genuinely didn’t know what she was doing. But we were there until about 10:30, well after the Alley, Wortham and Jones Hall had puked out their audiences. If it was a grandma, she was getting her drink on somewhere. So I think she can handle the note.


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