quickly (overheard at lunch)

Overheard at lunch today (from the older, effeminate, East Texas gentleman at the next table):

I saw a woman yesterday who had the biggest, widest, heaviest, largest, fattest, most humongous ASS (he turned “ass” into three syllables) I’ve ever seen. (long pause) She could have used her panties for a parachute. (long pause) I’m sure she had to have her jeans special made.

This from a chubby man who couldn’t stop looking at himself in the mirror (he did have lovely feathered gray hair) and whose waistband was inching toward his armpits. Not exactly a glass-free house for his stone throwing.

I had to try really hard not to laugh out loud as he vvvveeeerrrrrryyyyy slowly moved through that list of adjectives. I knew it would end with “ass,” but he managed to build an enormous amount of suspense on his way there, pausing a bit between each word. Bravo, sir, bravo.