oh black water, keep on rolling

My neighbor has a pool filled with what appears to be black water. It may be something more viscous than that because I’m pretty sure it’s where he puts the body parts after killing people with the bell of his tuba. Wait. Let me back up.

When we moved into this house, the Jacksons (my parents and brothers) helped us haul a bunch of our crap over from the Heights. We’re all type A, so the loading at the old house and unloading at the new house happened very quickly and with much swearing. We had time to stroll through the back yard of our new house a bit when we were done, which I hadn’t had a chance to do prior to that because of all the packing. I’ve mentioned previously that we have almost a full acre, unusual for city livin’, so there’s a lot to see. I can’t remember if it was Dad or one of my brothers who noticed the, uh, tuba in one of the numerous sheds/trailers/shanties in our next door neighbor’s back yard.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with playing the tuba, and a tuba was used to hilarious effect on that episode of Family Guy, but there’s just something…wrong about this guy’s tuba. It’s just sitting there, piled on top of a bunch of other crap, in the far end of this dude’s yard. Taunting me through a window of one of his many trailers. It’s too shiny for something that seemingly has been left to rot. It calls out “blow me” when you come within a few feet of it. Maybe I imagined that last part. But the rest is true. So my question is, why is it shiny? I’ve never heard the neighbor play it. In fact, I’ve never really seen him do much in his back yard – DURING DAYLIGHT hours. I have no idea what he does at night. It’s as dark as the country when the sun goes down. I’m left to surmise that the tuba is shiny like that from the neighbor wiping all the blood off after nailing someone on the noodle with it. In the middle of the night.

Each morning for the past week or two, after doing her business Dali (James’ big, crazy ass dog) sits just on this side of the guy’s fence, over near the death pool, and barks. Continuously. She’s not standing near the fence barking at a cat. No, she’s just sitting there, letting her general displeasure be known to the neighborhood at large and our neighbor in particular. You’re welcome!

I think she’s on to him. If only she knew more English to clue the rest of us in on it.