I had lunch at Baba Yega with a friend of mine today. We were talking about the movie Fatal Attraction and how it would be considered kind of a shitty film by today’s standards. This was the opinion of my friend – I haven’t seen that movie since the 80s, so I don’t have an opinion about it. He also mentioned that Glenn Close’s breasts in that film are a bit…deflated. I said they only look that way because so many of the breasts that appear on screen are round, plastic, unnatural looking orbs. That led to us talking about how creepy it will be as the women who got breast implants a couple of decades ago get older. Who wants to see an 80-year-old woman with perky tits? 80-year old men? Maybe. Then I said that maybe they won’t stay perky as the skin ages – they’ll just stay round. So they’ll end up with something that looks like tennis balls at the bottom of a couple of tube socks.

Literally moments after having this conversation, I saw an older lady get out of her van in the parking lot. She was wearing some kind of steel bra that had lifted her ladies up and above where nature had left them (clue number one). I had a moment to observe her because she was having a hard time getting her purse strap onto her shoulder (clue number two). She eventually did some sort of hopping jump to force the strap on, and then she straightened her shirt and entered the restaurant where her dining companion was waiting for her. Unwillingly, I noticed that her nipples were very much in evidence (clue number three). What the hell is going on here? Then I realized that she was wearing falsies and was, in fact, a man (final clue). I think that perky fake boobs are fine if they are on an older man who’s dressed as a woman. When she walked by our table, one of her shoes got caught on the rug and she tripped (but didn’t fall). I felt badly for her – she needs to practice putting her purse on her shoulder and walking in those shoes, poor dear. It’s not just about wearing the clothes – you’ve gotta walk the walk.

And look like you’re cold all the time, evidently.

Published by Crystal Jackson

Fight stupidization.

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