Dear Guy Wearing Bluetooth Headset Who Was Travelling Eastbound on Kirby then Turned North on Shepherd Last Night at 5:37PM,

You may have been too distracted by what I’m sure was a fascinating conversation with one of your super cool friends to notice the traffic situation on Allen Parkway/Shepherd last night, so I thought I would take a moment to fill you in as to why I was yelling and pointing in your direction also while laughing at you/your phone/your shiteous driving abilities.

See, there were a lot of people trying to make it through what is always a busy intersection at rush hour(s). Because of ill-timed lights or just too many people, Shepherd travelling northbound backs up in that area when traffic is heavy. Shepherd is not the only street that is impacted by this back up, though. Even people like me who were heading up Allen Parkway straight into River Oaks and had no use for Shepherd or its traffic were stuck for quite a while (35 minutes to go about 1/4 mile in my case). The sad part is, this could have been avoided.

Perhaps if you’d hung up on the phone sex operator or your mother (both?), you might have noticed that just because your left turn light on Kirby changed to green, that didn’t mean that every person who’d been waiting at that light should shove their ass into the road. Green means go, but not if there isn’t enough room for your car. Cars in an intersection = gridlock. Gridlock = no go.

When your car pulled into the intersection as your left turn light was turning red, even though you could clearly see that there was no place for you to go, maybe now you can understand why I was so clearly mocking/cursing you. And I realize that you were just one of many. Evidently each cycle of the light included people such as yourself who didn’t care enough or weren’t smart enough to understand basic fucking physics to know that two vehicles couldn’t occupy the same space at the same time.

I know you noticed my histrionics. You reacted by getting very busy with your phone, perhaps updating your Facebook status to let your friends know about this crazy chick on the road who was gesticulating wildly for no apparent reason. But deep down, you knew what the deal was. And the next time you pull a dick move like that, I hope you sheepishly look around for whatever version of me is stuck on the other side of that light, getting overly worked up about the situation.

Happy driving,
Crystal

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