Ask a Dilettante – Chinese Conspiracy?

The Chinese obviously hate us: First, they tried to poison our dogs, then our teeth, and now they’re after our kids. Does this mean we should be keeping a closer eye on Yao Ming? Or ChineseElvis?
–Red Ballsworth, Houston

Now that Yao Ming has entered wedded bliss, I don’t think he has the time to plot our downfall. Plus, he’s been living in Houston long enough to have embraced our culture at least a little bit. He’s probably driving a Hummer at this point. Everyone knows when you’re in the middle of a hummer, not much else is on your mind.

Though it’s not clear where he was born, ChineseElvis considers the UK his “spiritual homeland.” If you read his bio, it tells you that he was “trained by authentic homosexuals in the art of theatre.” While there’s a lot going on in that sentence, the general message is that ChineseElvis is more focused on being fabulous than he is on taking down the US.

I’m sure plenty of countries would like to pop a cap in our collective ass. The mouth-breathing navel-starers that seem to be reproducing at an exponential rate (B. Spears, I’m looking your general direction) are dragging us down. Lack of substance and an absence of intelligence are now worn as badges of honor. Internationally, the US is a big bully. And you know what happens to bullies…they eventually become fat and bald and are humiliated by the skinny nerds they used to beat up.

So I don’t know if China has it in for us, but if it does, I can tell you how it will go down. The whole plan was documented in the Twilight Zone in the mid-80s. We fat, bitchy Americans will go to a restaurant in Chinatown. The food will be delicious, and we’ll eat ourselves silly. Well past the point of satiety, we’ll still be ravenous. The food keeps coming, but the dishes look sinister. Is that a fried baby bird? And that looks like an eel. An eel that’s still alive. Why am I still hungry? Why do I keep eating these things that disgust me? I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Until…until…

BOOM. We explode.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]