There’s a mooch at work. Far as I know, he earns a salary just like the rest of us, but for some reason he’s always scamming food. When I first came to the Alley, lunches were constantly being stolen from the refrigerator. People were considering lacing their food with laxatives (or something worse) in order to punish the culprit. Then the thievery stopped. We never knew who it was UNTIL a couple of years later when we were in an all staff meeting. We had to go around the room and share a personal fact that no one else in the room knew. When it was time for the mooch to share, he said that he’d been the one stealing lunches (no, I have no idea why he confessed – it didn’t earn him any fans). He is the kind of person who will see you eating a sandwich at your desk, you’ll get up to grab something from the printer, and you’ll return to find him circling like a shark. “Are you going to finish that?”

When the season changes (June/July), a lot of people leave. That’s the way it is at a theatre. We had a going-away party last Friday, another one yesterday and yet another tonight. My department hosted yesterday’s party. It was a fairly intimate gathering – about twenty or so people. The Alley provided wine, and we brought in cheese, crackers, homemade dips, fruit, etc. I made a hot artichoke dip that is fanfuckingtastic. The mooch was first to arrive. Not surprising. He grabbed a plate. Then he grabbed a spoon and, I shit you not, scooped ONE QUARTER of the artichoke dip onto his plate. ONE QUARTER. Then he moved on to the other offerings and filled his little cocktail plate full. Didn’t really talk to anyone. Just kept eating.

He makes me want to shake him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Have you no social graces? Why are you so greedy? Can’t you save the binging for the back of your dark closet like the rest of obese America? Oh, and that’s another thing, even though he eats constantly, he’s not one bit overweight. Maybe that’s why he bothers me so much.


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