Ask a Dilettante – Celebrations

Last night, I went out with some friends for a few drinks. Since when has Cinco de Mayo become such a big drinking event? It’s not even a major holiday in Mexico.

As long as Dilettante has been aware of Cinco de Mayo, it has been a drinking holiday. But it does seem to be turning into more and more of an excuse to go out and get ‘faced. We have at least one holiday each month that provides a great chance to wear a stupid themed hat and drink too much. Check it.

January = New Year’s Day (booze and glitter)
February = Mardi Gras (titties, hurricanes and little plastic baby hidden in cake)
March = St. Patrick’s Day (wow, green puke)
April = Earth Day (organic home brew)
May = Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day (Mexican beer for the former and beer consumed on or near water for the latter)
June = Father’s Day (good scotch and shitty neckties)
July = the Fourth (sparklers and sweating over margarita machine that won’t freeze right)
September = Labor Day (basically, it’s Memorial Day II)
October = Halloween (dress like a whore and drink red wine, pretending it’s blood)
November = Thanksgiving (I’m so full I don’t think I can have another…actually, pass me the gravy boat and the bourbon – I just had an idea)
December = Hanukkah and Christmas (nothing shows how much you care about your spiritual side like going out after being with the family and getting plowed to wipe the memory of it from your mind)

You’ll note there’s nothing really to celebrate in August on a national scale. We need, no, we must create a new drunken holiday for the eighth month. Let’s brainstorm.

The first week of August is breastfeeding week around the world, and it’s clown week in the US. Is there the chance to combine those two things? Actually, the visual of a breastfeeding clown is too disorienting, especially to drunks. Scratch that.

Celebrating birthdays is always fun. Both Jerry Garcia and Orville Wright were born in August. Wait. The chance that the police might up their presence on “Get High” night makes it a bad choice.

There are significant historical events. August 6, the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima. Get Bombed? Nope. Too much of a tragedy, not that most people know the reason behind the events they’re marking by getting plowed.

My vote is August 8. It’s located almost exactly between July 4th and Labor Day. And there’s already an “established” holiday. Seriously, it’s Sneak Some Zucchini on Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. How would the booze get worked into this equation? Giving people the opportunity to walk around with a large green zucchini strapped to their waists is a slam dunk. Just like Halloween, the potential naughty aspect will make people want to be involved. The type of drink doesn’t really matter. Perhaps it could utilize something else from the garden – the lemon. August is a hot month, so a vodka with lemonade would be really refreshing, plus it’ll get you drunk. That’s when you go sneaking around the neighborhood with your zucchini in your hand, leaving it on people’s porches. Works for me.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]