Let Them Eat Lead

This was a rough week for the gun lobby. Federal “safeguards” didn’t stop a very disturbed young man in Virginia from being able to purchase guns that he later used to kill lots of people. Though there has been no official statement from the NRA, many pundits, talk radio callers and a guy sitting at a bar in Houston who was overheard by Dilettante have been saying things like, “If gun laws were less strict, more people would be armed all the time. Then this kind of shit wouldn’t happen ‘cause someone would have blown that guy away as soon as he started shooting.”

Now that’s an argument. Rather than strengthening laws to keep guns out of the hands of suicidal, violent people, let’s arm everyone. Let’s start taking gun-fighting-in-the-workplace classes. Look – you can be in a business suit and high heels and still shoot people! It’s your right as an American! Fire away! Oh, and don’t forget to duck!

If everyone were armed, you could challenge someone to a duel after slapping him in the face with a glove and demanding satisfaction. What, did you think that arming everyone would lead to some sort of Cold War among the populace? That people are going to think, “I would shoot this guy in the back while he’s not looking, but I’ll bet he has a gun. I better not.” Come on.

No doubt arming everyone would change things. Imagine sitting in church with a hangover and wanting to sleep for just a bit during the sermon. Then you see the preacher looking at you. He subtly touches the gun he’s wearing over his robes. He raises his eyebrow, as if to say “You love Jesus, don’t you?” You do love Jesus, but you’re not ready to see him yet, so you pop a mint and stay awake.

When a guy is trying to pick someone up in a bar, instead of talking about his car or how much money he makes, maybe he can just pull out his gun. Go ahead, touch it. I like having other people’s fingerprints on it. And you know what a big gun means. It means someone is compensating for other…shortcomings. Best move on. Look for the guy who has one of these.

Fashion for today’s female leaves little to the imagination and no room for a wallet, so where’s a gal supposed to keep her gun? Putting it in your purse wouldn’t work because you need to have it on you at all times. You never know when someone’s going to try to kill you. Just imagine sitting on the toilet at work or at the mall, and you ask the person in the next stall to pass you a few squares of toilet paper. Perhaps that rubs her the wrong way, and she shoots you for bothering her while she’s doing her business. If you had your gun on you, you could have stuck it under her stall first and gotten that tissue. Instead, you have to sit there and air dry as you slowly bleed on the tile floor.

And at what age do you arm someone? There seems to be lots of gun violence in schools. It wouldn’t be enough just to arm the teachers because they occasionally leave the classroom to sneak off to the teachers’ lounge for some coffee and a quick smoke. Guess we better arm the children. I’m sure they’d be responsible and not do anything stupid like get in a “pretend” gun fight with real guns. Kids are Americans too. The Second Amendment doesn’t have an age requirement.

After all, guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]