Gmail is really great about catching spam. Because I like to keep things neat, I clear out my spam folder on a daily basis. Though I only slightly scan the list to make sure a real email hasn’t incorrectly been placed in the spam folder, a few of the more common subject lines stick out. Such as sexy baby and bad erection? That particular subject line, which I get about ten times a day, is somewhat ambiguous. Does it mean that the guy is a sexy baby who can’t get an erection? Or, is the guy hanging out with a sexy baby but he can’t get an erection? Or, does the sexy baby have a problem with his erection and the person to whom the email is targeted is neither a sexy baby nor in possession of a bad erection? So confusing. But not enough to make me open the email. I am not a sexy baby, nor do I have a bad erection, and I don’t I hang out with people who are/have either.

My favorite spam emails are the ones that are full of words or phrases seemingly plucked out of the ether at random. There is almost a sort of zen wisdom hidden inside. I’m not sure what the point of that flavor of spam is because it’s not trying to get you to buy something or open an attachment that will eat your computer’s brain. Wonder if it’s all subliminal messages? Or maybe the gubment testing out some new spyware on us dumbass, navel-staring Americans? Get out of my gmail, Alito. Oh, and stay out of my uterus, while you’re at it.

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