There’s a show on MTV (thanks to the folks at the downtown Y for airing shit like this while I’m on the elliptical and can’t escape) (I tried closing my eyes but I almost fell off the machine) called My Super Sweet 16. It features a poor little rich girl, usually pre-nose and pre-tit jobs, who is in the midst of planning her “sweet” 16, though there is nothing sweet about these skanks. I’ve seen this show a total of maybe three times, and each time there were commonalities. They usually have a mother with a fake tan wearing capri pants who thinks she’s the cool mom because she lets her daughter call her “bitch.” The girl gets a new car, usually a Mercedes convertible or Range Rover, but she has to beg daddy for it. When he tries to get her to pick something a bit more sensible, like a Volvo sedan, she freaks out, cries, says she hates him, and starts calling him by his first name. When he relents (which he always does) and buys her the convertible, she wraps herself around him like a topless dancer on a greasy pole. He doesn’t seem to mind, which is problem number one. So, car first. Then comes the dress for the party, and keep in mind that each of these crotch scratchers is only fifteen. They always pick something that would make Cher blush. And the capri-wearing mom rolls her eyes and says to pick something less revealing as she tugs on her own shirt to make sure her plastic orbs are in full bloom. Then, the party, which ends up being a chance for the parents to show off their ability to buy as much as it is a lot of smoke and mirrors to distract from the fact that the child has no redeeming characteristics and is a spoiled, vacuous, boring, mean, whiny, stupid turd. I’m saddened to know that people like this exist, but I’m even more disturbed that they are willing to be this way on TV. There’s no shame, and these jackasses know they’re being filmed. My God, what is it like when the cameras aren’t there? Does the fifteen-going-on-asshole take a dump in the middle of the dining table if she’s not getting her way? Does she choke Grandma to death for knitting her a sweater for her birthday instead of giving her cash? Does she fuck her step-brother so he won’t tell their parents about her stash of pills? Ugh.

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