something to consider

If you were a time traveler and went back in time to see people from your past, what would you say to prove you were you? I think you would have to pick very specific, mostly unknown pieces of information about the people in your life in order for them to buy it.

Here are things I’d tell the various people in my life (though I won’t identify who belongs to what so you can’t go back in time and try to pretend you’re me by knowing all this stuff). Oh, and one is about me.

you were at the Gap, and when you stepped off a footstool your pants ripped all the way up the crotch, exposing your ass

you think that Robert Shaw is hot as shit in Jaws

your favorite song used to be Devil Went Down to Georgia but was usurped by On the Road Again

you once were chased out of a 7-Eleven by an angry, chain-wielding lesbian

you thought Ms. Turner was a bitch too

you used to model for Sakowitz and once experienced a too-friendly amusement park ride attendant

you used your head as a weapon often when you were about two years old (and probably still could now, if you were a pro-wrestler or something)

you feel like dancing when you hear Led Zeppelin’s Fool in the Rain, specifically that part near the end where it gets all crazy

you once crocheted me a stocking cap with a ball on top but I can’t wear it because my head is too big and round and looks like a basketball

Man, I could do this all day…