Crystal Jackson

Archive for the ‘the internets’ Category

spell check, mofos

In Houston, stupidization, the internets, travel on February 15, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Were my driving and photography skills better able to coexist, the photo above would have captured what I wanted to show you. Instead, you’ll have to take my word for it.

That electronic sign there on the right is supposed to let people know that, since the 45 N exit is closed, they should use the Heights exit. Only it says Heigths instead. And it has been misspelled since Friday last week. Either they don’t know, don’t show or don’t care about what’s going on in the hood.

(insert pithy segue) I’m glad Valentine’s Day is over. Facebook was intolerable yesterday. I kept waiting to see a photo of a chick with a bouquet of flowers poking out of her ass, an ugly tennis bracelet blinging on her arm and a row of chocolate stained teeth grinning wide with the comment, “OMG! BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!! I LUV U BOO♥” underneath it. These are usually the same chicks who are masters of passive-aggressive facebook commentary the rest of the year. You know, things like, “Well that’s the LAST time I’m going out of my way to do something nice for someone WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T CARE enough to say thank you.” I’m glad guys don’t feel the need to wax poetic about the blow job or oil change gift certificate or tie or whatever they get on VD.

Here’s a nice thought. Tomorrow (hopefully) I’m going to announce the next book giveaway on this blog. Watch this space. Tomorrow. Or maybe Friday. But soon.

And Happy Valentine’s Day. I may not have sent flowers you could show off to your bitter coworkers, but I did send sweet thoughts. To most of you.

searching

In lists, the internets on January 19, 2012 at 9:18 pm

A selection of search terms that brought this blog traffic over the past month:

  • how to shit in the wood
  • too many fucking disappointments are a sign of too many fucking expectations
  • fat trucker girl tattoo
  • grandmother fuck
  • i don’t trust people that don’t drink
  • big tits laying over sides
  • how to find a hooker at i-80 truck stop
  • local women to fuck near houston texas
  • monkey flipping the bird
  • my eyes went cockeyed
  • accidental beaver shot
  • my mom makes me wanna punch someone face
  • baby alive doll is unresponsive
  • “do you sees it”
  • wet denim crotch
  • phil collins witnessing a murder
  • i need internet in my cabin in the woods
  • this outdoor bbq turns into a hot tushy licking appetizer before the main course
  • neighbors tits
  • old biddies fucking
  • testicles jammed in pooper
  • good morning assholes
  • now it’s mother fucking hammer time

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

butt stink

In luddite vs. iDevice, the internets on August 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Someone borrowed my iPhone the other day and was taking a tour of the thing before making a call. My blood ran cold as I did a mental scan of what might be on my phone. You don’t realize how much personal information is on one of those things until someone else is flicking their finger at it. I don’t have my passwords stored on it, nor do I have sexy pictures in my albums. But I do have plenty of text conversations I probably wouldn’t want to share, and I couldn’t remember the last five things I searched for on the internet (things that automatically pop up when you open Safari). So I was a bit skeered. My friend made her call and handed the contraption back and all was well, but it was a good lesson to learn. Phones are easy to lose.

I was telling my coworkers about this awkward situation, and they were wondering what I’d been googling that I might be embarrassed about. “I don’t know,” I said, “I search for random shit all the time. Like, I might have searched for ‘butt stink,’ and the person using my phone would see that and think that I have butt stink when in fact I was just googling it for no particular reason.”

“You have butt stink?” they asked.

“NO! I’m saying that I search for things, especially when drinking, that could be misconstrued when taken out of context.”

Of course, since I was sitting at my desk while we had this discussion I immediately googled “butt stink” just to see what might come up. It’s a cornucopia of funny things. I suggest you google it if you want to see. Just don’t do it on your phone.

double plus good

In fighting stupidization, the internets on July 12, 2011 at 8:06 am

I use the internet to read things, watch things and occasionally comment on the things I read/watch. So at the first opportunity, I signed up for google+ like a good little internet junkie. I don’t have any feelings about the product one way or the other – it’s too soon to tell. If you were on facebook with only 5 friends, it would probably seem like a pretty pointless exercise (and some would argue that it’s a pointless exercise no matter how many “friends” you have). I may not have an opinion about it, but plenty of other people do.

Everyone is in such a hurry to be the first to do something and the first to say something about the thing they just did, we aren’t giving the things around us much time before we judge them shit or Oz. In its infancy, plenty of people are already squawking about how crappy google+ is. Wouldn’t they have said the same thing about facebook in the early days? Facebook, the place where they’re posting about how stupid google+ is?

You know, it may be crap. Or it may take care of some of the sticky issues that facebook has, including the pressure to send out birthday wishes to people you haven’t seen since high school and trying to find ways to avoid contact with your creepy coworker whom you stupidly sent a friend request to after that one good happy hour when you were fooled into thinking he wasn’t stalkerish at all (he was).

Other than the fact that google+ looks a lot like facebook to me, I don’t have much to say. Okay, except this: Google is the fetus of Big Brother. This we know. So it seems a bit… funny to call the thing Google+. Google+ is double plus good. Or maybe it’s ungood. I don’t know yet.

(PS – I’m aware of the irony of posting an opinion about people sharing their opinions about something – the diff here is that I’ve been thinking about this for the past week, while I don’t think the Google+ haters gave their opinions more than a moment or two)

wait, you want to make MONEY doing this?

In the internets on June 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

While I’m happy that the chick at Hyperbole and a Half has a book deal, I’m bummed that yet another blog I enjoy will be lost to the wonders of publishing (aka “making money”). So many of the blogs I enjoy reading end up going semi-dark for a few months, with a post here and there but not the same frequency as before. Then comes the inevitable “I GOT A BOOK DEAL! Instead of reading my shit here, for free, once or twice a week, you can spend $18.99 to buy my book, read it once and forget I ever existed!” It’s a drag that not all sites can keep on trucking the way, say, PostSecret has. Even after a few books, the site is still very active.

Have no fear – there is no book deal in this blog’s future.

I’ve mentioned that I’m working on the Fight Stupidization website. Once that is up and limping along, I’ll have to rename this site. I thought about returning to the original name (Pithy), but decided to go with something new. Forward momentum. Of course, there is nothing new under the sun, so every name I’ve thought of has already been used in some way. Here are the two most recent that have been considered and abandoned because someone beat me to the punch:

  • Manifesto Destiny
  • Puns & Ammo

If only I were half as clever as I think I am.

take a letter, Maria

In fighting stupidization, people be trippin', the internets on May 25, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Address it to my PO Box (3861 Houston 77253)…Include a self-addressed stamped envelope…I’ll send you a Fight Stupidization sticker. That’s what Debra did, and she will get her sticker this week. Debra was, in fact, the VERY FIRST PERSON to send mail (on purpose) to the Fight Stupidization mailbox. Debra, if you’re reading this, thank you. I hope you enjoy your sticker.

In other news, there have been some amazing search terms bringing people to this site lately. I feel compelled to share just a few from the past 30 days.

  • kids make comments that make me want to punch them
  • puke on her desk, cut off my balls, changed to a fighter jet, bombed the russians, fly to the moon, explode, like a baws
  • was lucille ball a crackhead
  • everytime i go for a pap smear i feel embase becau gas com out
  • things that will cause your eyes to get misaligned Read the rest of this entry »

and now for something completely different

In awkward, luddite vs. iDevice, people be trippin', the internets, things that make me happy on April 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

dumb dumb
Standing half naked in a dressing room stall yesterday, I heard a woman talking to her child the next stall over. The child wasn’t behaving, so she asked him if he wanted a “spank spank.” He did not. A moment later she asked,  “Did you lose a shoe shoe?” He did. She helped him put it back on. “Why don’t you play with your train train while mommy gets dressed?” What the fuck fuck, I thought. And maybe also said out loud.

running sausages
I was hanging out with a dear friend and her old friend from middle school a couple of nights ago. As is typical when old friends get together, my friend and her buddy were talking about the good old days. The old friend casually mentioned that my friend was a mascot in high school. I didn’t know this. I hate mascots and have outlined the many reasons why here. My friend was not a costume-with-the-big-head type of mascot, though, so we’re cool.

As the three of us were discussing mascots and my, perhaps irrational, hatred of them (the old friend is a psychoanalyst) (so, you know, that was fun), I got entirely too excited talking about the running sausage mascot that got smacked with a bat at the Brewers game years back. Do you remember that? Here’s a link to the news story. You should watch it now. I’ll wait. “No one’s laughing now,” the reporter says. “I am,” I say, through tears. Never has the word “sausages” been used so many times in a news story. Genius.

As I described the sausage smacking situation to the psychoanalyst, whom I’d met literally minutes earlier, I could feel my face and neck getting hot. Not because I was embarrassed. Because I was so excited to share the story with the uninitiated. (The “I’m not a bad person” disclaimer:  the woman wasn’t hurt beyond a skinned knee and maybe a bit of post-traumatic running sausage disorder – totally worth it for the joy she provided so many.)

Next tweet
You’ve probably seen the link to that can be my next tweet elsewhere (twitter, specifically), but if you have an active twitter account, this is a fun exercise. It predicts what your next tweet might be, based upon your past tweets. Here are a few it predicted for me (my real tweets make only slightly more sense):

  • No) ritual de burger – blog post: randomness of Mick Jaggerish thing going to use my friends’ facebook?
  • Ha! Front hard.
  • Also – blog post: you see on like you in Houston today? about diminishing Houston to watch the big girl.
  • That article makes me alone with language)!
  • Burger – blog post: happiness vortex.
  • Belaboring the good poboy. Not old school Antone’s, but sometimes I would just shower less. Ha!
  • Fight stupidization on where I had a conversation over here. Be happy, bitches.

Indeed. Hilarious and oddly illuminating. Be happy, bitches.

I’ve got mail!

In fighting stupidization, the internets on April 16, 2011 at 10:08 am

After going to the post office to mail a FS tee shirt to a friend in NYC (first out of state customer!), I thought I’d ramble over to my PO box on the off chance that something was inside. You can imagine my delight to find the box full…of catalogs. Hey, junk mail is better than no mail in this situation. Sure, the catalogs were addressed to some other woman or “occupant,” but it was still nice to have something waiting for me instead of the mocking emptiness.

Since I now had the name of a former owner of my PO box, I thought I’d do a google to see what sort of business she was in. If she was in business at all. I couldn’t find anything, so I just searched for my box number (3861) to see if that brought me more information. Oh, it did, but not about PO box 3861 in Houston. Seems there are boxes 3861 all over the place. And not all of them are fighting stupidization.

If you ever want to really dig down deep into the bowels of the internet, search for something as random yet specific as a PO box number. I remember finding all sorts of weird shit online in the early days of the internet, when we were just bumping around from one site to another. But now, with google and blogrolls and links to one site from another, it seems like the more content there is, the less you find the fringe stuff. (Defining “fringe” in this circumstance as something that is far from your particular viewpoint – one person’s “fringe” is another person’s “what I did yesterday.”)

Sure, you can easily find a place to buy blow up latex outfits and video of a singing squirrel with big nuts, but I’m talking about a random collection of sites that you wouldn’t think to search for (and, yes, I just searched for the squirrel video – in my defense, I searched for “singing squirrel” – the big nuts were just a bonus) (ahem).

Here’s a sampling of what people are doing at their PO box 3861:

  • Hindu Temple and Cultural Center (Bellevue, WA)
  • Gynecologist (Corpus Christi, TX) – note: I don’t think I want my doctor using a PO box as a mailing address
  • Painter (Carmel-by-the-Sea)
  • Veteran’s assistance organization (Lagos, Nigeria)
  • Sewer drain repair (Jackson, OR)
  • Kayak rentals (South Padre Island, TX)
  • Chilean Embassy (New Zealand)
  • White supremacist named Glenn Miller who’s running for Senate seat (Missouruh) – note:  this wins the most unlikely for me to accidentally run across award in this list – his site is hateful and ignorant and everything the FIGHT STUPIDIZATION campaign is not.

You should try your own random search: “should have turned left” or maybe “car sounds like an owl.” Find some fringe stuff and remember the glory (hole) days of the early internet.

REMINDER: I’ll be at Onion Creek today from 2-4PM selling FIGHT STUPIDIZATION tee shirts. $10 each, cash only. Buy one for yourself and one for a friend. Chest advertising is very effective. And if you don’t feel like buying a tee shirt, at least come drink a beer with me. It’s a gorgeous day.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (we’re quite aware what we’re going through)

In fighting stupidization, food and drink, the internets on April 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

hahahahaha

[Unrelated to this post: Last night's dessert. When I purchased the box of frozen bananas dipped in dark chocolate at the grocery store, I guess I wasn't quite prepared for what I'd find. Frozen awesomeness. Delicious, semi-nutritious and funny? Can't beat that. James almost made me leave the room when he ate his because I found it all so hilarious.]

You may notice a few changes happening around this blog. I’m dismantling my website and moving some of the content over here. In the near future, this site will have the new address of www.cryjack.com. I think you should still be able to access it using the current address – it’ll just redirect you. One way to be sure we don’t lose touch would be to subscribe, either through your RSS reader or by signing up for an email alert (bottom right of this website).

The reason for the remodel is because the FIGHT STUPIDIZATION campaign is ramping up, and a necessary part of that growth means the campaign needs to have a life that is totally separate from mine. My little baby is going to move out and go to college and quit speaking to me, only calling on my birthday and…sorry. Change is always exciting and often sort of painful.

I’ll have to rename this blog (I may revert back to the original name of Pithy, or I may do something else entirely). What will not change will be the content, and I hope I can get back to posting four or five times a week. I still have plenty to say, I just haven’t had the time to say it.

Regarding the future for the FIGHT STUPIDIZATION campaign: We’ve had two planning meetings so far and have begun to formulate our attack. The first part of the plan is to get the website up and running, so that’s where a lot of my energy is focused right now. In addition to a new site full of information about fighting the stupidization, we’re also going to start having public gatherings in the Houston area. More on that as things develop. Just know that we’re working on it, and we’re all very excited about the future.

Finally, I ordered some FIGHT STUPIDIZATION tee shirts to sell. They are black with white lettering (to match the bumper stickers) and will be available for $10 each. If I have to mail it to you, that will be a couple of bucks extra. I’ll pick up the shirts tomorrow and will post pictures for your shopping pleasure. New stickers are on the way as well, and we now have a PO box for sticker requests (see: GET A STICKER at the top of this page). You mail me a SASE, I fill it with a sticker and some love and mail it back to you. Easy-peasy. Do it.

old school, chicks I know

In fighting stupidization, luddite vs. iDevice, michael mcdonald, the internets on March 31, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I rented a PO box this week. Old school. Not for personal mail – it’s for the FIGHT STUPIDIZATION campaign. Once the new website is launched (perhaps a month or two from now), the new deal will be that you have to send a SASE to the PO box in order to receive a sticker. I’ll keep paying for printing the stickers, but paying for postage is starting to get a little hairy. It’s only $40/year to rent a box, which is a steal. Not counting the gas I’ll spend going to the post office once a week. Or the disappointment I’ll feel when I excitedly open the little door and don’t find any mail inside. I just rented the box earlier this week. Had to mail something after work today, so I thought I’d check the box. Even though I haven’t given anyone the address. Thought maybe the post office puts a little “congratulations on your new mail box” postcard in there or something. Nope. Totally empty and echo-y. Maybe I’ll send myself something.

My birthday was this week, and James took me to see Michael McDonald. Old school. I have a friend, Abby, whom I’ve known for a couple of years. We work together, we’ve done a show together and we hang out. But she didn’t know my thing about Michael McDonald. She thought I was kidding when I told her I really love him. See, it’s shit like this that keeps me from being a true hipster. A hipster would only go to a Michael McDonald concert ironically. I go to a Michael McDonald concert lovingly.

I recently started playing Words with Friends (scrabble) on my phone, and my friend Heather and I are in the midst of a game. I would consider both of us to have a pretty good grasp on the language, with solid vocabularies. Heather has, like, five degrees and I spend most of my time writing. But you wouldn’t guess this from our current game. Here are some words currently on the screen: did, rev, sexy, pea, ba, tao, yes, pa, gig, bus, tuba, tits. I’m not kidding.

My friend Andrea hipped me to this guy’s website. The only content on the site?  He sets the 2-second timer on his camera and then runs as far as he can away from the camera in that 2 seconds. So all of the shots are of his back side, in motion. It is entirely more funny than it should be, and the effect builds the further you scroll down the page. I love it when people commit themselves to consistenly doing something goofy.

(Update to scrabble game: I just played “meth.” Ha!)

 

Friday list

In animals, cabin in the woods, dogs, family, food and drink, the internets on March 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

- I need to send around this link to the entire office. We have a number of offenders who “reply all” to practically every email they get. The only problem with sharing the link is that I know a number of people will reply all to say they totally agree, and that will make my head explode.

- My recommendations on Amazon are becoming a bit…unreliable as I purchase more and more stuff for my niece and nephew. The first book on the list for me right now? My Big Girl Potty. I may not know a lot, but I do know how to go potty. Because I’m a big girl.

- I saw a Chick-fil-A billboard yesterday that featured a couple of cows writing about eating more “chikin.” You know, because if you’re eating chicken, you’re not eating cow. All of the company’s cow-related marketing features kitschy bad spelling, which makes no sense. If a cow has somehow learned how to communicate in English and hold a pen or paint brush in its hoof to write out its thoughts, it is obviously off-the-charts brilliant in the bovine world and would probably be a pretty good speller.

- This video of little kids playing guitars doesn’t look real, like maybe they’re robots or their baby heads have been photoshopped onto adult musician’s bodies. I can’t believe they have the finger strength to pull this off, not to mention the artistic ability.

- One of my favorite bloggers has his moment in the New York Times. I’ve mentioned The Field Lab before (and literally have the tee shirt – for a while he was selling gray tees with THE FIELD LAB stenciled on the front with red spray paint) (because I’m a hipster), and I find Wells’ actions out in the West Texas desert inspirational as I daydream about my future cabin in the woods.

- A man performs CPR on a dog, saving her life, and it was captured on video. Because isn’t everything? My grandfather Ted once saved his Welsh Corgi Toby’s life by giving him mouth-to-snout resuscitation. That dog hated everyone but my grandmother and spent the majority of his life under the table in the kitchen. My grandfather also saved my grandmother’s life, giving her the Heimlich Maneuver over dinner. Ted had a profound impact on everyone, dog-level on up, and was obviously paying attention during first aid classes when he was in the military.

list: search terms

In food and drink, lists, the internets on January 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I haven’t done much blog posting in 2011. I’m trying to get through draft two of my full length play, so I’ve been using available lunch time to work on that instead of writing here. I did try writing a post yesterday about the shootings in Arizona. I’ve decided to just leave that in the drafts folder and move on.  Know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em.

Today, I’d like to share a few of the interesting search terms that have brought visitors to my blog over the past few months. They have not been corrected for shitty spelling or overall weirdness.

  • trippy pictures to look at when your high
  • sexist baby clothing
  • book cover pink tricycle book masculinity
  • tricycle michael jackson
  • adult riding a tricycle
  • radio flyer trick tricycle 1950
  • big man on tricycle
  • fat man on little tricycle
  • untightened lug nuts
  • see through silence birthday cake
  • happy 11 birthday cake that said elizabeth
  • christmas party through the window
  • gravestone in backyard
  • shittay
  • turtle show
  • baby pushing baby
  • “everyone thinks my boyfriend is gay”
  • holly hunter bunions
  • trippen hermit black
  • tiny white caterpillar in house “not fuzzy”
  • heights houston douchebags
  • what direction to place giraffe pen holder on a desk in fengshui
  • stuffed dog dances to who let the dogs out
  • accidental nudity
  • who is that spooky singer in the hyunda commercial
  • hyundai commercial hipster douchebags
  • twitchy cletus
  • the generation that swore it would never get old, didn’t
  • just for men touch of gray,bullshit?
  • stupidization real word
  • doe ray me far so la tee doe scale
  • waiting for your arrival sister
  • bacon strokes
  • freaky paula deen
  • little kings beer
  • assumptions about people drinking beer
  • get unplugged tvs and verbs that are turned “off”
  • you can see me when you see monkeys flying out of my but

As usual, the search terms are more interesting than the blog. What I found most odd were the various “man on tricycle” searches. Guess there’s some interest on the internet in men who are riding something that is inappropriately sized. Ahem. The most common searches (which are not included above) are a variation on cabin in the woods (cabin at night, writer’s cabin, how to build a cabin in the woods, building permits for cabin in woods, etc.). This suggests there are plenty of other people who have cabin fantasies. Probably other city-dwelling writers who think that bucolic splendor and simple living will be a growth tonic for their work. And also manifesto-creating, sunglasses wearing guys in hoodies. And militia members. And gnomes.

In other news, this is exciting. I’ve signed up for a class. Maybe it’ll serve as a sneak preview to El Real Tex-Mex Cafe, the restaurant Robb Walsh is opening later this year.

In further other news, the winners of the two copies of Travels with Charley are: Conn and Janel. Next book I read that grabs me like that will be treated in a similar manner, though I may not always give away multiple copies. I’m almost done with Trout Fishing in America by Richard Brautigan. It will not be receiving this treatment, bless its heart.

rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated*

In the internets, theatre on November 29, 2010 at 1:37 pm

- I was clicking around on twitter last night in hopes that someone had posted a link to something interesting to read when I happened upon the news that Leslie Nielsen died. I only follow 259 accounts, many of which are news sites, restaurants or arts organizations rather than individuals. Yet it was the individuals who were sharing the news, not the news sites. There’s a certain amount of ghoulishness in that. People love to be the first to report bad news – someone died, there was a mass shooting somewhere, so and so got caught with his pants down. How many people breathlessly (and erroneously) posted about Patrick Swayze’s death well in advance of the actual event? What is it that makes people so eager to report bad news? I’d much rather share the news that the cancer is gone, the lottery numbers matched or the tornado didn’t hit any houses.

don't you wanna/wanna sticker

- Would you like a fight stupidization bumper sticker? How about a tee-shirt? Both will be at Boheme (in Houston, on Fairview in the Montrose) from 5PM until 10PM this Thursday. Spacetaker – a local arts support organization – hosts Cultured Cocktails each Thursday with proceeds going to an arts group. This week, my theatre company Six Of One Productions is the lucky recipient. We’re in the midst of planning our next show, so the money we raise this week will go toward that endeavor. Please join us. And bring a friend or two.

- I just went into the kitchen at work to rinse off the container I brought my lunch in when I got into a conversation with a woman who works for the radio station upstairs. She and I have crossed paths and exchanged pleasantries a couple of times, but I don’t know her well at all. We just had a funny conversation at the sink as I was washing my stuff and she was waiting on her soup to come out of the microwave. In the midst of telling me her story, her mug of soup must have been getting really hot. It started jumping around inside the microwave – you could hear the thing clicking on the rotating glass. I tried to concentrate on what she was saying, but my eyes kept being drawn back to the microwave. I wanted to slowly back away, before the whole thing blew, but my need to not be rude overruled that move. So I toughed it out, a bit nervously. Everything was fine, assuming she didn’t burn her mouth when she got back to her desk.

* Apologies to Mr. Twain for what is most likely a misquote. Here’s a whole nerd conversation about it.

Friday list

In lists, stupidization, the internets, things that make me want to punch someone in the face, travel on November 19, 2010 at 1:37 pm

 

kill your TV

(Please note: the Fight stupidization. blog does not condone shooting – of televisions, living creatures or anything else. But it does commiserate with people who are fed up. And full of beer. And wearing an awesome mustache.) (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click the picture for the story.) (Man bites TV.)

- If you’re on twitter, you should follow Humble Brag. Retweets of people who name drop and otherwise try to show how special they are, often disguising their true intention through fake self-deprecation or faux displeasure. Good stuff.

- Need a little camper for your small car/motorcycle? Actually, even if you don’t you should check out this site. I especially enjoyed the homemade videos that show off the company’s various products. Seriously – if you were going to travel the country and didn’t want to have to set up a tent every night, this is a pretty cool way to do it.

- Yesterday’s post by The Bloggess was ridiculously funny. If you’ve never taken my advice to read her blog before, now is a good time to give it a go. It’s worth the click.

- I’m flying next month, so body scans and hard core pat downs are on my mind. Security theatre, of which we are all players, has finally reached the ridiculous. When will we have to wear government-issued coveralls and paper slippers like they do in jail in order to board an airplane? If you check out this story from the Houston Chronicle, you’ll note the pained expression on the woman whose right tit is being firmly squeezed by a TSA worker. Pat down or breast exam? The gubment sho does like to keep us skeered. We’re so much easier to control that way.

This overstepping of bounds by the TSA is one hot topic that my conservative friends (I have one or two) and I can agree upon. Check out what Ron Paul had to say (not suggesting he’s a friend but he is a conservative):

Until I watched this video, I didn’t realize that Michael Chertoff had a financial stake in the machines that he’s been pimping for years. Huh. How you like them apples?

The scanners are called Rapiscan. I think they should change that “i” to an “e.”

Friday list

In food and drink, lists, the internets on October 22, 2010 at 1:41 pm

hanging out in master control, where I am neither a master nor in control

- HoustonPBS is broadcasting a food-related evening of programming next Wednesday night. My talented friend Abby is hosting the evening, which will feature food docs plus clips of Abby’s visits to a few local restaurants. We’re encouraging people to tweet during the programs to talk about what they’re watching or to share tips on local places to eat. For some reason, the powers that be over here thought it would be a good idea for me to type up the various tweets to broadcast live over the course of the evening. We had a training session today, and my understanding is that the master control operator will be the person to push the button before the tweets actually go on the air, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to sneak any fight stupidization propaganda onto the tube. I’d love to enter some of your tweets so please join the conversation that night, you tweeter.

- If this is true (that intelligent people drink more alcohol than their more dim counterparts), then why do I feel so stupid when I have a hangover? Maybe I’m not drinking enough.

- Have you seen that horrible commercial about whooping cough? Or, more importantly, have you heard it? It features the sound of a baby, presumably with whooping cough, whooping coughing. Only it sounds like something you’d hear on your way into the infinite dark abyss. It’s a horrible, wet, hacking, no intake of air, worst-thing-I’ve-ever-heard noise. I have to lunge for the remote to mute the TV every time it comes on.  Same thing happens with that ’50s-style insurance chick. Nails on a chalkboard my soul.

- In addition to the “like” button on facebook, I wish they would add a “you’re being self-righteous” button.

- I encourage you to go to watch Zach Galifianakis’ Between Two Ferns series of interviews. Awesome stuff.

Friday list

In lists, the internets, theatre on October 15, 2010 at 7:59 pm

I didn’t forget about you this week, my friends. I’ve been knee deep (in more ways than one) trying to finish Six Of One Productions’ application to the Idea Fund. It’s an arts grant program powered by the Andy Warhol Foundation that, I would assume, is highly competitive. We had to submit a three-minute video in addition to a narrative description of the project. It was the video that was my downfall. This wasn’t procrastination. I’ve been talking about this project for months. It was other peoples’ schedules that were jacked. BUT – I finished before 4PM, and the deadline wasn’t until 11:59PM today. So I had almost 8 hours to spare. Trust me when I say I’ve cut it much closer than that on grant apps for work.Where they pay me to do this stuff.

Anyway, on to the (down and dirty) Friday list.

- Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis are in a movie together. I love both of them for completely divergent reasons, so I will have to see this movie. It’ll probably be awesome or shit, either of which are better than mediocre.

- I am not a fan of cliffhanger facebook updates. I find them annoying. I’ve started paying more attention to them lately to see if my theory is correct. It is. The people who write cliffhanger status updates are almost exclusively single. Those of us in boring old relationships don’t post that crap. If I did, James would just walk across the house to my room, where I’m holed up with my laptop and a bottle of wine, and ask me what my problem was. Yawn. But lonely single gal can post something that maybe the guy from Match.com will think is about him, or mabye that guy from the mailroom, or maybe her young neighbor who just moved in but might be gay. That can keep her (and potentially one or two guys) occupied for the greater part of a Tuesday night. (I say this as a person who was single for a long time, so I’m not trying to be shitty. I just really, really don’t like cliffhanger facebook updates and feel they must be transparent to even the most thick-skulled among us.)

- While watching the miners being birthed from the earth a couple of days ago, I was surprised to not see Sheila Jackson Lee in front of the cameras. With her braids and shit. She must not have been able to book a flight.

- Seriously? A guy named Rich Whitney is accidentally listed as “Rich Whitey” on ballots in Chicago? And half of those ballots are in black neighborhoods? Damn. Can’t make that shit up. He’s on the Green Party ticket, so you can be sure that he probably is white but probably isn’t rich.

- This is laugh-out-loud funny. Maybe because I’m a dog lover. It’s a somewhat long read (for the internet) but totally worth the effort.

Friday list

In cabin in the woods, lists, question, sartorial issues, the internets on September 24, 2010 at 12:44 pm

this is the gravestone in our backyard for Chamus the Famous, who we assume (hope) was a dog - I like the way Stella looks like she's flying up out of the grave and toward the camera and how James' arm/hand looks animal-like - just an odd photo - we get a lot of those in and around this house...

- If I’m still alive when the inevitable “end” comes and find myself sitting in a tent gnawing on the hindquarters of a skinny rat in the moonlight, I will think back upon this dessert as a sure sign of what was to come. A society that creates this bullshit deserves a kick squarely in the ass.

- Facebook went down for a period on Wednesday. Had I been in the office, I might have assumed that the powers that be blocked the site. Since I was at home (and am the power that be), I knew that wasn’t the case. Googling the issue, I ran across Down Right Now. The site gives you green light/red light updates on three blog services, three email services and three social networking services, including Facebook. So you’ll know whether or not it really is just you. Nifty.

- I’m wearing a new bra today. Every time I move my left arm, the underwire creaks. I don’t like it.

- The guy who unwittingly made my day last week when he walked down the street exactly in time to Stayin’ Alive – I saw him again yesterday morning. Only this time his jacket was in the plastic wrap of the dry cleaners and dangling from his hand instead of casually slung over his shoulder. And my iPod was playing Dire Straits instead of Bee Gees. That’s okay. It was sort of a one time thing anyway.

- Have you seen Tubedubber? You search for videos on YouTube and then choose a song to accompany the video to pretend like you’re creating something new. Here’s a combo I just made. (the song will start right away, so be warned)

- I am in dire need of releasing my barbaric yawp, but I can’t quite figure out how to make that happen. I’ll work on it this weekend. Wish me luck.

Friday list

In cabin in the woods, food and drink, lists, the internets on September 17, 2010 at 12:50 pm

A quick Friday list because I’m trying to finish a play over my lunch break.

- Watch this short film for a bit of insight into Lloyd Kahn. He creates really awesome books on hand-built shelters and is currently working on his latest book, which will be about tiny houses. Many of which, I’m sure, are cabins in the woods. Bliss.

- Normally I drink “good” coffee at home and don’t touch the stuff here. This week that has been different. Guess I needed more caffeine. Anyway, each time I’ve visited the coffee machine, there has been only about half a cup of coffee in the pot. Which means that the previous person who got coffee left just enough in the pot to not feel like they had to make a fresh pot. Man, people can be so fucking lazy.

- I turned off Google Instant. Too presumptuous for my taste. And obviously a lot of other people.

- Back to the play. It is interesting to me that as I continue to write plays, I’m writing fewer and fewer profanities. Yet my work is getting more and more edgy. I dig that. Can’t say the same for my fucking blog.  I still cuss like a motherfucker here. Shit yeah. Tits.

the future, it is here!

In luddite vs. iDevice, the internets, things that surprise me on September 15, 2010 at 10:35 pm

My friends, tonight I took one step into what used to be the future but is now today. (Or maybe a couple of years ago – sometimes I’m a late bloomer.) I mentioned recently that I’d signed up for Skype. I have friends in other states/countries whom I’d like to communicate with, and Skype’s free phone calls are attractive for that endeavor. On top of that, the video phone application is very interesting, though I wasn’t sure I’d use it. The potential awkward factor was just too high to put it into practice very often.

Remember – videophones were the stuff of our childhoods, a seeming impossibility that would never be available to the regular folk, if at all. So it’s hard getting used to the fact that the technology not only exists, but it exists basically free of charge (ignoring the cost of your computer, internet connectivity and electricity). That’s fucking AMAZING.

Amazing, yet I hadn’t done anything with Skype other than sign up for an account. Didn’t even know how to use the thing. Then, just a half hour ago, I was just searching for this song (because it’s been stuck in my head ALL day for some reason, and I thought listening to it might exorcise it) (it didn’t, for the record) when a little box popped up on my screen telling me that my friend Dennis was calling me via Skype. I didn’t know what to do and didn’t realize I was even logged on. Should I click accept? But I’m sitting here with not a lot of clothes on and it’s late and I’m drinking red wine and not wearing makeup and my hair is piled on top of my head and my teeth are probably red from the wine and I’ve got the tired face and…oh, wait. It’s Dennis. He doesn’t give a shit and has seen me in worse condition. So I clicked accept.

And then the technology of my youth, the thing that seemed like it would never happen in my lifetime, was happening in my lifetime. And it wasn’t awkward at all. I mean, after we went through the social ritual of me apologizing for looking like cat’s ass and him apologizing for…wait, he didn’t apologize for anything. Gah, we were playing gender stereotypes. How pedestrian. Once we got over the initial “what the fuck is this technology?” aspect, we had a normal conversation. More heightened than a phone conversation and as close to talking in person as you can get without actually talking in person. The only slightly off-putting thing is that you don’t ever make eye contact. You’re both looking at the other person’s image on the screen, instead of your little built in camera, so it looks like each person is looking at the other person’s neck. But you adapt.

I’m excited to do it again, though next time I’ll put on a shirt.

[side note: I was wearing a shirt. I just wasn't wearing pants. But the little camera only shoots to slightly below shoulder level, so it was okay.]

[Dennis - I was wearing pants. Just kidding.]

Friday list

In food and drink, housing, lists, the internets on September 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm
  • When I moved my blog over to wordpress, I decided to utilize categories. I went back as far as the beginning of 2008, I think, adding categories to hundreds of old posts. This is useful for me and anyone who is in the mood for a particular theme. What I find interesting is that for the category “lists,” of which this post is a member, I almost always post on a Friday. I guess Friday must be my catch-all day for tidbits that occur to me during the week but don’t get their own post. So I’m going to try to do that every Friday. We’ll see how it goes.
  • This illustrated blog post perfectly displays why I tend to prefer internet-based communication. The entire blog is pretty funny stuff.
  • Have you checked out Regretsy? It’s a website that posts the most ridiculous items for sale on Etsy (a place where people sell hand crafted items) and then makes fun of them. I gave the site a cursory glance a few months ago but didn’t really dig into it until a couple of nights ago. I ended up staying up late and going back to the beginning of the blog and moving forward through time (I’m a wizard), and after 15 or 20 minutes, I was literally laughing out loud. Even though the site features things made by hand, many of the items are not appropriate to look at on your work computer and will invade your dreams if you view them right before bed. Trust me on that last part.
  • My post the other day about missing old school Houston seemed to resonate (positively and negatively) with some of my fellow citizens. I had offline conversations with a number of you about this topic. I think it’s fairly typical for people to have issues with the place where they grew up. Just as I’m upset with some of Houston’s changes, I’m also often first (well, maybe third) in line to defend Houston. Unlike other cities in Texas and beyond, Houston doesn’t obnoxiously push its quirkiness. Nor do you feel like you have to have money to be “somebody.” As I’ve said before, Houston is like that dorky kid in high school who doesn’t come from money and isn’t particularly attractive or athletic. In order to not be a total outcast, Houston has developed other skills. Art cars, Texas Medical Center, an openness to everyone no matter their ethnicity or background, copious amounts of tasty food, a growing arts scene, Lights in the Heights, etc. Houston is a city that doesn’t try too hard to be any one thing. But the weather sucks four or five months out of the year, there are huge flying cockroaches and ravenous mosquitoes, and a number of the places I used to go to with people who are no longer on this plane of existence are disappearing. Those things suck. Part of being in a relationship is being honest about the good and the bad. Houston and I have been together for a long time – I know its faults just as it knows mine. And, for the time being, I’m still here.
  • Today was the monthly potluck lunch for my department. There’s a bit of culinary roulette when we have this meal together, and some months are better than others. This was a good month. Plus, my coworker Holly brought sausage (Kielbasa), providing a great launching pad for inappropriate lunch conversation. Hopefully HR was not listening in.

    seriously?

    In sartorial issues, the internets on August 25, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Evidently there are thousands upon shitloads of Skype users because every user name I tried when creating my account tonight was taken. I’ve rarely (if ever) been denied “cryjack.” But it was unavailable. So I tried “dogfarm.” Nope. Digging a little deeper, “sarcastra.” Nuh uh. Digging really deep (or so I thought), “cowboymonkey.” Are you kidding me? Cowboymonkey is taken? So I went with the name that, as I reported a few years ago, would have been a great roller derby moniker: BarbieWallbanger. It is both sarcastic and indicative of years spent slinging drinks (Harvey Wallbanger = a delicious drink full of vitamin C) (and vodka). The name was definitely not my first choice, but at least I now feel clever enough to have created a Skype login without having to add a bunch of numbers. For whatever that’s worth.

    Six Of One Productions is going to be the featured arts group at the December 2 Cultured Cocktails event at Boheme on Fairview. This is a weekly event hosted by Spacetaker, and a percentage of bar sales goes to the arts group being featured. I hope you can join us and do your best to pollute your liver. The timing on this is great – I’m in the early stages of planning our next project. It’s going to be something quite different from anything we’ve done before, and we’ll need some funding to make it happen. So there’s that.

    I’m thinking about having some fight stupidization tee shirts printed up to give away/sell at the happy hour. I’ve wanted to do this for a while but just haven’t had enough momentum to make it happen. I looked at a few places online, checking out how much it would cost to print just 6 shirts (the minimum order for many sites). The cheapest deal I’ve found so far is $92 for six black tees. Do you know of a place that might have a better price? We don’t have any money in our Six Of One account right now, so I only want to buy a few tees at this point. If they sell the way I think they will, I’ll have more made, always charging just enough to have more shirts printed up. Like that commercial about cocaine from a couple of decades ago…I’ll have some shirts printed…so I can sell them…so I can make enough money to have some shirts printed…so I can sell them…

    changing lanes

    In stupidization, the internets, things that make me want to punch someone in the face, travel on August 13, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    On my drive to work this morning, a man driving a big black Range Rover was riding my ass, inches from my back bumper. Perhaps he wanted to get a closer look at my fight stupidization sticker. After tailgating for a while, he made a few herky jerky moves to stumble through thick traffic, only to end up two car lengths ahead of where he was in the pack. I wanted to yell obscenities his direction – tailgating is such a dangerous, not to mention assholish, thing to do – but I’m trying to curb that bad behavior. My irritation doesn’t make the other guy drive any better and only serves to raise my blood pressure. Lucky for me, my iPod saved the day. Just as this guy made another stellar traffic move and ended up right in front of me, the chorus to the Beatles’ Girl started. Instead of yelling at the guy in hopes that he was looking in his rear view and could read lips, I sang “jackass” instead of “girl” at the appropriate time. (just take a moment to do that – it fits perfectly – “ohhhhhhhh jaaaackaaassssss…(inhale) jaaaackaaassssss”) It was surprisingly cathartic, didn’t raise my blood pressure and lessened the chance that the guy in the Range Rover might pull out a gun and shoot me.

    There’s an article on chron.com today about the ridiculously hot summer we’ve had. As per usual with any post related to weather, there are the “global warming is real” crowd and the “global warming is bullshit” crowd tossing poop at each other in the comments section. What’s funny is that both sides have switched arguments from back in January when they were commenting on the unseasonably cool winter.

    COMMENTS DURING SUPER COLD WINTER

    AlGoreSucks: So where’s that global warming, huh? It snowed in Houston yesterday! Lemmings. You’ll believe anything some politician tells you.

    Prius4Eva: There’s a difference between weather and climate. Temperatures for one season have little to do with the bigger picture.

    COMMENTS DURING SUPER HOT SUMMER

    Prius4Eva: Now do you believe in global warming? I fried an egg on the sidewalk yesterday. You science haters need to get with the program.

    AlGoreSucks: There’s a difference between weather and climate. Temperatures for one season have little to do with the bigger picture.

    It would be funny if it wasn’t so painful.

    dilettantes and assholes

    In food and drink, stupidization, the internets, travel on August 10, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Recent search terms that brought visitors to my blog:

    • big naturals brandy
    • untightened lug nuts
    • dilettante psychology
    • dilettante prostitute
    • what to do with a dabbler dilettante
    • my husband is a dilettante and an asshole
    • don imus throat fungus
    • something rotting in the walls
    • masochist getting in a fight
    • dead fish galveston july
    • local houston armwrestling

    I like the new variations on the dilettante-related searches – my favorite is “my husband is a dilettante and an asshole.” You have to wonder what the motivation was to search for that. Was the person looking for other people who are married to asshole dilettantes? Was the husband the one searching, trying to figure out what his wife meant when she yelled that at him after the wine tasting/company party/class reunion?

    [imagine a smooth segue here]

    Back when I was a bartender, I always worried about getting in a pickle like this. I did my best to cut people off when they’d had too much, and I drove many a drunk regular home in an attempt to keep them (and the cars they would have swerved past on the way home) safe. But when you’re working in a busy bar, you can’t keep an eye on everyone, you don’t always know who is driving and you hope that at least some patrons are able to handle their business like adults.

    If you don’t feel like clicking the link, here’s the story. A drunk guy hung out at a bar after hours. Well, he hung out upstairs from a bar after hours with the bar owner and other people. While hanging out up there (and continuing to drink), he fell through an opening on the second floor to the street below. Instead of blaming the fall on his own drunkenness (assuming the guy is smart enough when sober to not fall through an opening in the wall), he decided to sue the owner of the building for not providing a “safe” place.

    This story reminds me (tangentially) of the trip I took to Grand Canyon a couple of years ago. I was amazed at the fact that the potential for certain – and sudden – death greeted me at every turn. Being an over-protected American, I’d grown used to “stand behind this line” and safety rails and “do not enter.” At Grand Canyon, honey, you’re on your own. There are a few places that have waist-high railing, but for the most part it’s just you, the edge and a steep drop. It was invigorating to be in a situation where I was responsible for myself. I appreciated the challenge to not do something stupid, which is harder than you’d think. At least for me.

    There’s an interesting book (Over the Edge: Death in Grand Canyon) that chronicles all of the deaths at Grand Canyon. There are stories about deaths from early trips down the Colorado to falls as recent as a few years ago. There’s the tale of a father who was trying to make his family laugh by “pretending” to jump off the edge – he’d planned to land safely a few feet below the path but ended up falling to his death. That’s the kind of stupid shit I am prone to do, though I was glad to find that I had enough sense to save the jokes for a time when I wasn’t standing near the edge of the world.

    What I’m saying is – if you are an adult, stay away from the edge. It’s your fault if you fall off.

    [and another segue here]

    Finally – my favorite part of this story is the fact that he grabbed a beer on the way out. Way to go, Steve Slater! You, sir, are awesome.

    I swear I’m not crazy. No really. Why are you walking away?

    In family, lists, question, the internets on August 6, 2010 at 12:50 pm
    • An update on Facebook Drama Queen: she recently posted about something that is generally reviled by most thinking people, stating her strong distaste for the topic. As if she is blazing a trail of rebellion against something that, in reality, pretty much everyone agrees is crap. Her sycophants chimed in with words of support for her  stance. She then posted that it was just how she felt, dammit, and screw the people who feel differently. (obviously I didn’t hide her, as I’d promised myself I would) (there’s just a certain level of entertainment here, mixed with vexation) (maybe I’m doing character research)
    • I was discussing weird fears with a friend the other day and feel compelled to share one of mine with you (not done with my lunch yet, so I need to keep writing). I have a mild case of OCD. It mostly involves me locking and re-locking our doors a few times each night before bed (the average is probably three, though I occasionally go up to five – I don’t count when I do it, I just do it until it’s “done”) (I think the number varies according to how stressed I am, but I’m not sure – I try not to obsess about it) (ha. ha.) But there are other not-grounded-in-reality fears that I have that are in no way (?) connected to my OCD. For instance, if I see a large ship in dry dock – like when my grandfather would take me to the Port of Houston where he used to work (he was editor of Port of Houston Magazine back in the day) – I immediately start to feel panic. Because, for whatever reason, I start worrying that I will be next to that boat when it is in the water, and I will be forced to swim down under the water to the bottom of the vessel, then go under it and have to come back up the other side. The enormity of the task – because there is way more boat under the water than above it – is what scares me. I’m sure it’s a metaphor for life or some bullshit like that, but it has me curious. What “crazy” fears like that do you have? Come on, you’re bound to have one or two. Please share.
    • A different thing that isn’t really a fear but more of a coping mechanism is something that my friend Lisa does too. When I’m going to fly, I carefully look at the people who are waiting for the same flight to make sure we don’t have one of each of the disaster movie characters in attendance. If I see a nun traveling with a guitar case, a very pregnant woman flying alone, a fat man who sweats too much and looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, a mixed-race couple very much in love, an old white couple with a sunburn who are very much not in love (and wearing shorts), a rebellious teenager with great hair, a religious teenager with great tits, a grizzled veteran with a slight limp and a distance in his eyes, a milquetoast guy who will end up being evil and an unwitting drug mule with a lisp, then I know the plane is going down. I have seen one or two or as many as three of these people waiting for the same flight but have been spared seeing them all. (I do not fall onto the list and am therefore not counted. Unless “sarcastic writer who likes to drink” is now one of the disaster staples.) (Now that I think about it, I probably do fall on the list. Shit.)

    the deal

    In the internets, writing on July 27, 2010 at 11:49 am

    This blog has picked up a few new readers over the past few days (welcome!), so I wanted to quickly talk to you about what goes on here. The good news is, sometimes I write about stupidization on a grand scale like the refudiate incident last week or potential employers getting up in your business. The bad news is, there are a lot of other sorts of posts in between. I generally write in this blog while eating lunch at my desk, so whatever occurs to me as I open up wordpress is usually what I write about. That’s the great freedom of not writing this blog for money – anything goes, there are no deadlines, I can cuss freely, I don’t have to worry about advertisers, and if it just ends up being me and one of you, that’s okay. Not optimal, but okay.

    That doesn’t mean that you’ll have to wade through entries about what I ate for dinner or the fight I had with my boyfriend – information such as that only comes up peripherally if at all (me being more focused on the asshole at the next table during dinner, and I never write about relationship issues) (also, my boyfriend and I never fight) (ahem). I try to focus on the absurdities of life, playwriting, my obsession with living off the grid  in a cabin in the woods yet somehow having full internet connectivity (the power play in my life between being a pseudo-luddite and being in love with my Apple products), the desire to have a dog farm, attempts at gardening (that failed this year because of too much rain), travels, living in Houston, ghosts, the funny people in my life (including my family), stupid comments posted on other websites…you get the point.

    As for comments – I don’t allow anonymous ones (unless they are REALLY funny) and I will delete aggressive/assholish ones from trolls. There are plenty of places on the internet where anonymous vitriol-spewers can post hateful bullshit – the fight stupidization blog is not one of those places. This blog encourages the people who are willing to put their name on their opinion and have a somewhat civilized conversation while doing so. Being funny in your comments is a bonus but not mandatory.

    That’s pretty much it. I encourage comments, and I love to hear from you via email, too.  Helps me feel like I’m not just yelling into an empty room.

    Thanks for reading.

    betta check yo’self

    In stupidization, the internets, work on July 22, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    There’s a story on chron.com today (that I think was actually written by someone in the paper’s employ – I didn’t know they still had writers on staff) about prospective employers googling prospective employees and checking out their facebook profiles prior to making them a job offer. After reading the headline but before reading the story, I was thinking that anyone who is interviewing for a job should be bright enough to know how to hide their facebook profile from people who aren’t their “friends.” Then I remembered that facebook keeps changing their privacy rules, and things that you think are private sometimes end up not being so through no fault of your own. Still,  it’s probably in one’s best interest to not put up pictures of yourself with a red ball gag in your mouth or doing a keg stand. Not because of job shopping, just in general.

    All this to say, I was sort of on the side of the potential employer at the start. Then I read this quote:

    Some of the finds have been amazing, he said. One was a swinger whose site included some indelicate information about his multiple partners, while another was a “left-wing, crazy tree-hugger guy” whose personal website focused on corporate greed and corporate pollution.

    Huh. The swinger thing is kind of gross. And posting stuff online about one’s sex life probably doesn’t show the best judgment. But the “left-wing, crazy tree-hugger guy” is a bit more bothersome. Any person in a position to hire people should be aware that, other than those at the top who are making all of the money, most workaday folks think things like greed and pollution are BAD. So not giving this “crazy tree-hugger guy” a job that he must have been qualified for or they wouldn’t have been googling him in the first place is bullshit. (Unless the job was VP of Greed and Pollution, a position that I am starting to believe does exist at most large corporations. Then they have a case.) It puts too much power into the hands of the interviewer if they can dismiss a candidate based upon their politics or personal interests rather than their professional qualifications.

    Just because you can’t find anything incriminating or otherwise inflammatory about someone online doesn’t mean that there aren’t incriminating or otherwise inflammatory aspects to their character (see: any politician legislating against gay marriage who is later found in an airport bathroom tapping his way into another man’s pants or coming back from a tropical vacation with a hired “baggage handler”). The tubes of the internet aren’t going anywhere any time soon (at least, not until December 21, 2012), so we’re going to have to find a way to work together in this new world of information overload. I’m not deleting my 700+ blog posts just because a potential employer might not like the fact that I use the word “fuck” on a regular basis. Fuck ‘em, fucking babies.

    Of course, if I’m filling a position and see that someone reads an author I don’t respect or has kitten pictures on their facebook profile, I’m not hiring them. You have to have some limitations.

    one of those posts where I just list random thoughts

    In lists, the internets, theatre on July 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    (2006 in San Francisco) We were waiting to take the ferry to Alcatraz when we saw this awesome little girl. She was fearless, laughing the entire time. Hope she's still like that.

    • My lunch meeting with a board member that was scheduled for today (which meant no jeans on a Friday) was canceled. Lucky for me, I still got the box lunch from Jason’s Deli and was able to write this bullshit instead of sitting in a meeting.
    • I know I’m not the first to point this out, but every time someone posts on facebook or twitter about how busy they are, I really want to drive to their office, grab them by the collar and suggest that they not waste time posting on facebook and twitter about how busy they are. If they are, in fact, really that busy. When I’m really busy with work, not only do I not post about it on facebook or twitter, I don’t even get up to go to the bathroom. That’s what adult diapers are for. Hello, people.
    • Going to see Hunter Gatherers at Catastrophic Theatre tonight. Very excited to see this show as I missed it the first time they produced it. Also, I’m in sort of a dark/funny mood, which should be perfect for this particular production. Unlike some of the shows I go to, when I see a Catastrophic production I don’t have to bring my invisible knife or my real flask of scotch. (because their productions are good/interesting enough that I don’t want to stab myself with the invisible knife AND because DiverseWorks allows you to take your wine into the theatre with you)
    • Two nearby coworkers have loud, obnoxious ring tones on their cellphones. I don’t know what to do about this.
    • With the exception of days when I have meetings with people from “the outside,” I wear jeans to work every single day. Not just on Friday. So when they say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have, I totally agree. I’m definitely dressing for the job that I want.

    open letter

    In open letter, the internets on July 14, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Dear Facebook Drama Queen,

    We don’t actually know each other, at least not in three-dimensional life, so this request may seem a little forward of me. But I feel compelled to ask you to please stop with all of the melodramatic facebook status updates.

    When I first became your “friend” on facebook, I didn’t really know that much about you. We have a couple of friends in common, you look like a nice person, you’re not a creepy guy (I think – since I don’t actually know you in 3-D life, I guess you could be just about anything).

    What I’ve been able to ascertain at this point is that you like to manufacture drama in your life, and as soon as you do so a number of sycophantic friends pipe in with words of support and encouragement. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about (an example that I have made up – you don’t need to go back through your feed looking for it):

    DRAMA QUEEN (that’s you!): Jeezus, this guy in line behind me at the DMV is totally checking out my ass. Dream on, loser.
    ENABLER1: Come on, girl, you know you’re hot!
    ENABLER2: I’d be staring at your ass if I were behind you. Rawr!
    DRAMA QUEEN: I should be able to go out of my house without having to beat guys off me all day. Enough already. This is why I’m single.

    Do you see how you did that? How, superficially, it looks like you are complaining about an irritating experience at the DMV, something we can all relate to. But if you dig just a little bit deeper, you’re actually talking about how nice your ass is. And it may be nice, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. You are basically setting up your friends to also talk about how nice your ass is, setting off a chain reaction of ass compliments. Instead of responding with a sheepish, “Aw shucks, guys,” you instead say that not only was someone checking your ass out today, but this is something that you deal with every time you leave your house. Because you’re just that hot.

    I don’t begrudge anyone having high self-esteem. Or, perhaps this constant call for compliments is actually a sign that you have desperately low self-esteem. Either way, I don’t expect this little note to change your behavior, so I’ve decided to “hide” you on facebook. I just wanted you to know, that’s one of the reasons I’m not telling you how nice your ass is.

    That, and the fact that I have no idea what your ass looks like.

    Crystal

    bullshittery

    In stupidization, the internets, writing on June 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    A friend of mine passed along a link to a blog that is being written by someone he knows who’s obviously bucking for a book deal. She almost comes out and says as much, continually comparing herself to the writer character on Sex in the City. The site has a very strong “brand” to it – the color palette, logo, etc. are all ready for print, tee shirts and the “movie based on the popular blog.” She is chronicling dating after divorce, and her attempts at being edgy or provocative come across as contrived and unnatural. It’s an awkward read, so of course I shared the link with my brother Tohner. After reading it, his response was much more enjoyable and way funnier than her blog. (In fact, I laughed so hard that I snarked some green tea on my computer screen.)

    As this article attests, there are lots of abandoned blogs liberally sprinkled around the internet – people thought they’d immediately get a million readers and didn’t, so they quit writing. Or they thought publishers would beat a path to their door and didn’t, so they quit writing. If I had to wager a guess, my bet would be that this chick writes for a few more weeks and then gives up the ghost. It’s hard to build an audience – in the beginning, you’re not even sure if anyone is reading the thing because they want to or because they landed there via googling for something else. You have to do it purely for the experience of doing it, at least at the start.

    Lucky for me, I started blogging for myself – to make sure I was writing something other than grant proposals every couple of days and to record some of the funny and/or awkward things that happen to and around me on a constant basis. That has slowly morphed into somewhat of a conversation. People are feeling more inclined to comment (here or on facebook), which I love love love. Though I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, it’s always nice to hear a response or three. [Especially when you guys knock me upside the head when I say I'm conflicted about what to do with my life - EVERYONE pretty much feels that way. It was good to be reminded that I'm not alone or particularly special in that regard.]

    Even though I make my living as a grant writer and write plays on the side that generate a tiny amount of income, I’ve never wanted nor expected my blog to turn into a paying gig. It’s purely about communicating. Nothing more, nothing less. I think that you would sense if I were trying to impress some unknown $$$ entity with my wordsmithery (bullshittery, really), and I think it would turn you off. It wouldn’t be genuine communication, it would be a job interview. And who wants to read that crap?

    performance art

    In the arts, the internets, things that surprise me on June 1, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Typically, performance art isn’t my “thing.” It usually leaves me feeling dumb that I wasn’t able to figure out what the person was trying to communicate. Or ripped off that I just paid money to watch someone take a dump on stage. (side note: I’ve never paid money to see someone take a dump on stage) (further side note: nor have I watched someone take a dump on stage for free) (at least not literally) So I was skeptical when I clicked a link on twitter that brought me to a slideshow of the artist/participants in a performance going on at the MOMA in NYC.

    The Artist is Present
    was performed for three months (it closed today) in a lobby of the MOMA. Marina Abramovic (the artist) sat in a chair for seven hours every day. Across from her was another chair, upon which museum visitors sat. They did not touch, they did not speak. They just sat across from each other, the visitor remaining in the chair for however long they desired. In addition to there being a live feed, a photographer snapped one shot of each visitor (the shots are posted on flickr) with occasional snaps of Marina interspersed.

    I watched the live feed for a few minutes and found the intensity of two people staring at each other in a non-angry/non-passionate way very interesting. Think about the people in your life – if you are staring into their eyes for any great length of time, chances are you’re fighting with them, having sex with them or they just got back from a long trip and you thought you’d never see them again. So to have two strangers in a public space taking 8, 30, 60 minutes or more to sit a couple of feet apart and just…gaze is quite interesting.

    But what I find more interesting is what you see when you look through the snapshots of the visitors. People had very different reactions to being in the chair. Some laughed, some cried, some were overly fashionable, some seemed bored while others were quite moved. Some seemed to have lost they damn mind. Others were Lou Reed. One super creepy guy sat with her an entire day and then continued to show up with stalkerish regularity. (he’s supposedly a makeup artist who felt like making himself part of the art) (he’s incredibly creepy – he sat in the chair for an entire day while other people were standing in line behind him only to not get in, which is pretty fucking obnoxious) Marina most typically looks like this. Other visitors sit on the floor and watch the proceedings.

    [When I was watching the live feed a few days ago, a number of the people sitting on the floor were texting, some even talking on the phone. It's starting to feel like a number of people are doing things in life purely for the opportunity to post about it on twitter or facebook rather than for the real experience of it all. Which is just really, really sad.]

    I watched the live feed for a while and was intrigued but not taken by the project. Then I started clicking through the slideshow of photos. Marina has a kind, if not exhausted, countenance and an openness about her that invites people to project the feelings they brought with them onto the situation. Judging by the number of people who had tears rolling down their faces, a lot of the participants let some emotions out of the carefully controlled containers that most people live in. Purely from the experience of having someone look them in the eye without judgment or shared history or their own desires. Interesting.

    I’ve purposely not read anything about this performance (and I’m not likely to read much on accident since I just heard about it a couple of days before it closed). I don’t want to read some bullshit about what the thing means or doesn’t mean. I was surprisingly touched by looking at all of those people who were feeling something, if only for that moment, so it was an effective piece of art if just for that. Which is funny because, had someone described this to me, I would have said something snarky and dismissive.

    And I wondered what my experience would have been if I’d sat in the chair. Most likely it would have gone like this: I’d sit down, blushing furiously because it all seems so ridiculous, I’d giggle nervously as I do when I’m uncomfortable, I’d look her in the eye with a slight twitch of my upper right eyelid, that would make me giggle again thinking that she noticed it, she’d continue to just look, without judgment, and I’d start to slip into the experience. Then? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do or how I’d feel.That’s what’s interesting about it all.

    large (chicken) breasts, dumbasses

    In douchebags, food and drink, stupidization, the internets on May 3, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I bought a package of chicken breasts for dinner last night. They were supposedly of the no hormone/organic variety. Looking through the plastic, I thought the 1.5 pound package had four breasts – two for dinner and two for lunches today. But inside, there were three. Two regular sized breasts and one DDD. I don’t know what was up with that particular chicken, but I hope she was popular with the boys. Still, it was kind of creepy. No one really wants to eat a mutant breast for dinner. At least, I don’t.

    I’ve written before about my frustration with internet bullies, specifically of the anonymous flavor. They feel free to spew vitriol and misinformation that they don’t have the conviction or balls to express around 3-dimensional people. People who could, for instance, kick them in the nuts when they start going off on some bullshit tangent. There’s an article on Houston Press today about the immigration rally over the weekend. Of course the story is bringing the cranks out of the woodwork – most of whom I’m sure never read the HP.

    Anyway, here was my slight contribution to the bullshit in the comments section. For context, I wasn’t addressing my comments at any one particular person, but USA1 wrote about a third of the 50+ comments on this story, so I’m not surprised he felt the need to respond. Twice.

    CRYSTAL WROTE:
    I may not be remembering my history correctly (lord knows we like to change it around here in Texas), but didn’t our ancestors who arrived in Ellis Island basically just have to survive the trip by boat? And then give a name and some simple paperwork when they got off the boat?

    Here’s something from about.com regarding the process at Ellis Island back in the day:

    “Once the immigrant arrived in Ellis Island, he would be questioned about his identity and his paperwork would be examined. Inspectors were usually foreign-born immigrants themselves and spoke several languages so communication problems were nearly non-existent. Ellis Island would even call in temporary interpreters when necessary, to help translate for immigrants speaking the most obscure languages.”

    USA1 WROTE:
    Crystal- Common sense would tell you that alot of the immigrants that came through Ellis Island didn’t already know English.

    How many of those immigrants took the time and effort to learn English after they got here? THAT is what we’re discussing here. Do you think our Gov’t printed everything in their native language like they do now in Spanish? Hardly.

    CRYSTAL WROTE:

    USA1 – I never claimed to have common sense. But thank you for taking the time to tell me what “we’re” discussing here. Judging by the number of times you’ve felt compelled to comment on this story, I wouldn’t really call this a “discussion” so much as one of those parties where there’s that one obnoxious drunk guy who keeps telling people the same boring story over and over again and people feign having explosive diarrhea just to get away. But I digress.

    If I did have common sense, I would suggest that the number of different languages spoken at Ellis Island would have made printing up forms for each language cost-prohibitive. That, and the whole thing about “printers” having not been invented.

    USA1 WROTE:
    Crystal- You do realize the majority of my postings here are answers to questions, right?
    Your ridiculous posting about Ellis Island is
    not a epiphany, I already know this. Everyone already knows this. Like I said, it’s common sense. Thanks for your 4 cents tho!

    HAHA! He got mad because I told him that if I were to interact with him in public I’d fake having explosive diarrhea rather than talk to him. What a jackass.

    comments policy

    In douchebags, people be trippin', stupidization, the internets, things that make me want to punch someone in the face on April 9, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    When I set this blog up five years ago, anyone could comment on my posts. Anonymous, spambot, real human person with a soul. Then the “investigative news story” about Houston Arts Alliance rolled around, which included yours truly and painted me as some sort of lefty pornographer, so I had to change the comments policy to approval only because I started getting a number of lurid come-ons and wingnutish insults. And you know that each and every nasty comment came from the same entity – anonymous.

    I guess you could say I have a “thing” about people leaving anonymous comments. Some of you who comment here don’t put your given name, but you do choose something that still tells me who you are. That’s fine. And some comments come from people I’ve never met. That’s fantastic. But anonymous? Me no likey. Yesterday, I decided to change the comments policy back to open season. And last night this blog received an anonymous comment. That didn’t take long. And, as is the way with most anonymous comments, it was a little…argumentative. Nothing big. Just a slight poke in the side. I didn’t respond.

    Do I have a distinct point of view politically? Yep. Does it come out in my writing? Sometimes. Am I looking for an anonymous commenter to show me the light? Nope. Do I invite people with different points of view to comment here? Sure. But put your name down, for one. And don’t expect me to have a change of heart or argue with you, for two. (Unless I’ve had a lot of coffee – then I might be up for a fight.) I’m not writing things here in hopes that I’ll change someone’s mind about an issue or get them to do what I would do in a given situation, nor should you expect the opposite. I’m reaching out to you, finding connections, trying to make you laugh, occasionally venting about things that drive me crazy and mostly leaving a trail of breadcrumbs that I can trace back to see where I’ve been. That’s all. No more, no less.

    I appreciate each and every one of you who takes a few minutes to read this bullshit every couple of days, and I love getting comments. But if you’re going to take the time to write one, tell me your name. Maybe we can have a conversation.

    Signed,
    Crystal Fucking Jackson

    cranky cranks

    In douchebags, stupidization, the internets on March 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Those of us in Houston know that the majority of people who comment on the Houston Chronicle‘s stories are conspiracy theorists who hide behind the anonymity of the internet to spew vitriol. Typically, they choose to blame every ill on either Obama or illegal aliens (or both, if you go with the Obama-wasn’t-born-in-Hawaii fantasy). Even the most innocuous story about puppies and rainbows can somehow turn into a series of tirades from people who can’t spell, love guns and Amurca and generally come across as cranks. Cranky cranks.

    There’s a story today about an old coot who shot a gun during an argument with his wife (he was drinking, she was not). Since he’s old, white and a former Marine, the majority of commenters just think it’s a cute little story about a guy who’s a real character. If this had been a story about a young man with an Hispanic name, they’d be yelling for his death and/or deportation (even if the story never specified that he was illegal – Chron.com posters assume anyone with an Hispanic last name is an illegal alien), talking about how their taxpayer dollars paid for the six hours of the SWAT team’s presence. They would especially take issue with his “threat” to take down “the whole [expletive deleted by the Chronicle] Army.”

    I know, I know, it’s my fault for scrolling down there and reading that bullshit. I do this to myself.

    In other local news stories, girls named Crystal are trashy and usually end up in prison or stripping.

    a poll

    In question, relationships, the internets on March 22, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    There’s a new addition to my blog – see the poll in the upper right corner. I’m curious about something. When your fringe “friends” on facebook – the people you aren’t actually having a relationship with at the present time (maybe you used to work with them or went to school with them or served time with them) – when they post stupid shit on their profiles, stupid shit that makes your eye twitch when you read it, what is your response?

    It would be silly to engage them in a political/religious/taste in boy bands debate in that forum, especially since you’re not really friends. Who cares what they think? But maybe you don’t want to see their moronic ramblings about socialism and Hitler and secession anymore, so you have to do something. Do you just delete them from your “friends” list? Do you hide them?

    I realize this is a really insignificant question to be asking, but I am honestly curious. My typical approach has been to hide people, but now I’m feeling like that is too passive a move. And lord knows I don’t like being passive. About anything. Should I be deleting these fools? Tell me what you do when faced with this situation. And if my list of “friends” suddenly starts to shrink, I guess that’ll be an answer, too…

    (I realize that not accepting friend requests from non-current friends might be one solution, but if I did that I would have missed out on reconnecting with some cool folks. I just saw a chick a couple of weeks ago that I hadn’t seen since high school, and I’m so glad to have gotten back in touch with her.)

    And while on the subject of facebook, read this (thanks, Houston Press).

    sweet, sweet torture, bitches, coffee

    In stupidization, the internets, writing on March 10, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I just started writing what may or may not end up being the play I produce in the Houston Fringe Festival, and it may or may not involve a bit of boss torture. I’ve found it somewhat cathartic to consider the various non-bloody ways to torture bosses from my past (my current boss is awesome) (I’m not being sarcastic – she’s a personal friend) (as opposed to a “work” friend, who is generally someone you wouldn’t talk to outside of the office because the only thing you have in common is work, and who wants to talk about that shit when you’re having “free” time) (it’s the same as having an “elevator” friend – you know, someone you bond with because you’re both stuck on the elevator, only after you’re free there’s really nothing else to talk about except how shitty it was to be stuck on that elevator).

    Here’s a link a friend of mine posted on facebook today. It lists the various types of “bitches,” according to an angry and somewhat precocious third-grader. Or, a third grader who has an older sibling. Let’s see…I would fall into the following categories of bitch: 18, 26-28, 62 (after lunch) and 68 (if I had a store).

    Curious about the blogger who posted this list, I googled his name and ran across another entry of his detailing a bad experience at a coffee shop. Funny how what he probably considered to be a throwaway blog entry blew up into something else. I mean, the Washington Post covered the story. Then again, look at (fill in name of stupid politician/whorish, drunken young actress/person interrupting someone at awards show). We are a nation of minutiae-watchers and big picture ignorers.

    (and PS – when I was a bartender and someone ordered something that was just wrong, like scotch and tonic with a lime, I’d serve it to them with a smile and then make fun of them when they walked away – I would never refuse to serve someone something just because I thought it was against nature) (that’s kind of the whole point of the service industry) (there sure were a lot of parentheses in this blog today)

    in search of…

    In the internets, things that surprise me on February 25, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    The helpful stat counter on my blog tells me what search terms bring me the most traffic. I’ve written before about the odd search terms that have brought people here. After getting a hit every day or two for the term “midget arm wrestling,” I thought I’d google those words to see where my blog landed in the results. It’s the first result. Which is odd because I only wrote about midget arm wrestling once. You’d think there would be at least a couple of websites entirely devoted to the sport. Perhaps you should start one. Because there are people out there who are hungry for it, man.

    The blog entries that get the most traffic are this one and this one (that second link is to my second blog, the place where I reposted all of my Ask a Dilettante columns from houstonist and wrote a little about the last prez election – it is mostly abandoned these days) (though I will resurrect it if someone sends a question to Ask a Dilettante). Interesting note: both of those blog entries were sparked by Mason. The first is a collection of pictures from his wedding in California and the second is an Ask a Dilettante column where I answered a question he submitted. He was always good with marketing.

    Here are some other interesting search terms from recent days to my secondary blog:
    - fucking in trucks
    - gay dilettante
    - bathroom encounters
    - fuckfuckfuck
    - stupidization of America
    - “mispronounce your name” “same gender”
    - does a dog count for an HOV lane
    - facebook “shove religion”
    - Brochures on Alien Hand Syndrome
    - “mardi gras titties”
    - the Chinese conspiracy
    - mayor bill white fucking truck
    - houston butt artist
    - best porn wc incamera toilete free
    - watch earth girls are easy
    - is dilettante an insult
    - going out “without my girlfriend” fight

    This list is more interesting than my blog.

    new website

    In the internets, theatre on February 13, 2010 at 12:30 am

    I completely redesigned my website over the past couple of days. I stayed up later last night than I have in a long while. What a dork. As mentioned previously, I decided to buck tradition and put my complete scripts online. Two one-acts and three monologues. I might add more, but that’s enough for now. I “protected” the scripts by setting it up such that you have to have a password to print or copy them. So unless someone wants to do a lot of typing, it’ll just be easier to ask me for the password (and by extension, my permission to produce my work).

    And now, people who didn’t see the infamous monologue that was on the news (Redneck at Tiffany’s) when we produced it in Houston can read it for themselves. Though it won’t be quite as good as seeing it performed. Depending on where you work, you probably shouldn’t read it aloud.

    I’m still tweaking (the website, I’m not on meth), so there will be a few more changes to come. If you can think of a question for my pitiful FAQ, please leave a comment here or in my email.

    fire, free plays

    In the internets, theatre, things that make me happy on February 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Here is a fairly blurry picture (that I took with my phone Friday night – didn’t want to disturb my wine drinking to go get my camera) of the fireplace in my living room. I keep meaning to write a post about the new place we live in, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Suffice it to say, this awesome fireplace and the one acre lot the house sits on were the two main reasons we chose to move here.

    (insert pithy segue here)

    I need to update my playwriting website in a big way. There’s not much content there, so I’m thinking about posting entire scripts on my site. This is generally not done in the playwriting community because then people can produce your work for free without telling you. At this point, since I haven’t been submitting my plays anywhere for the past year or so, I’m not that concerned about it. I doubt that there are really that many renegade theatre gangs going from website to website looking for scripts to illegally produce.

    And I hate the fact that my plays are just collecting electronic dust since I’m not sending them out. I’d like for them to at least be read occasionally. And if someone wants to produce one of them, I’m hoping that person will have the professional courtesy to let me know. Because I probably won’t charge anything for the rights. I won’t be this way when I finish my full length (yeah, as if that’s going to ever happen), but I’m happy to share the love on the short plays.

    Plus, I’ll be able to post the full script of the scandalous monologue that was featured on the 10 o’clock news in that “investigation” piece a couple of years ago. I hope it doesn’t make the internet melt with its scandalousness.

    These additions to my site will probably call for a total redesign, which is making me rethink my website host. I’m currently paying $13/month for Yahoo Small Business web hosting, and I think I’m paying for a bunch of stuff I don’t really need. Another problem with Yahoo – their Site Builder program for creating your website can’t be accessed on a Mac. So I’m stuck either borrowing James’ computer or having to make changes at work during lunch. So Mac connectivity would be another thing I’d need. Please let me know if you have any recommendations.

    twitter hand jobs

    In the internets on January 14, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    A year ago, I questioned whether or not twitter was worth my time. In the months since, I’ve come to enjoy twitter for its ability to disseminate news almost instantaneously, which is why I follow a lot of Houston-centric feeds and national news feeds. And I like it when people link to their latest blog, which is why I follow TheBloggess (I’ll read anything she writes) and BaldHeretic (his photos – especially the ones from his trips – are awesome). I just ignore the posts that don’t interest me.

    The thing that I started noticing today (I’ve been distracted lately) is how many people give each other virtual hand jobs on twitter all day. There are way too many entries of people thanking other twitterers for mentioning them or nominating them for a bullshit award or retweeting something they posted. So what ends up happening (if you follow a number of these folks) is that person A posts something about person B. Person B then posts a thank you to person A, thereby reposting whatever person A posted. Tedious. I would just skip over these entries as I do the “so hungry…leaving for lunch now” and “ho hum, standing in line at the dry cleaners” posts, except the hand jobs are dominating my screen lately. They’re keeping me from seeing the stuff I get on twitter to see. So I unfollowed a number of offenders today. Yes, I feel better.

    text to give

    In the internets on January 14, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    As a fundraiser for a non-profit organization, I’ve been involved in a few conversations about texting as a method of donating money. I haven’t been sold on it yet, at least not for the organization where I work. But in times of crisis when aid organizations need an infusion of money as quickly as possible, the text option makes sense. Obama’s presidential campaign showed the value of securing a googolplex of small donations, so the individual $10 gifts donated via text message to the Red Cross will certainly add up. I sent mine in this morning (though, to be fair, if I’d given online I would have given a bit more – instead, I’m going to give the balance to a different group).

    Though the text-to-give to Red Cross is legit, there are plenty of other rumors going around that are not.

    one flu over the cuckoo’s nest

    In lists, the internets on September 30, 2009 at 1:25 am

    I rarely get sick. Maybe once every couple of years. So when I found myself in the throes of whatever nasty illness enveloped me last week, I felt like I was an inch tall. It wasn’t the flu but something more nasty and longer lasting. My voice sounded like Kathleen Turner drank a pot of scalding hot coffee, removed the ensuing blisters from her throat with a small metal rake and then gargled salt water. I have coughed so much my abdomen is sore. But I can finally breathe through my nose again. I feel like I can complete a thought now that my brain is getting enough air.

    Even though I can complete a thought, that doesn’t mean my brain is ready to come out of hibernation. So instead of writing something pithy, I thought I’d share a few hot links for you to check out.

    Fuck You, Penguin
    This is a wonderful balance to saccharine sweet cutie patootie animal sites and youtube videos.

    Kickstarter
    A place to fund interesting projects. Hey, the NEA no longer gives out individual grants…

    Advanced Style
    I have the fantasy that some day I’ll dress fashionably (which is very different from dressing in fashion, which I never hope to do). The great thing about aging is that you – or at least I – care less and less about what other people think. That frees you to wear fingerless knitted gloves and 80 bracelets if you wanna. I especially love the dapper gents on this site.

    sneaking suspicion

    In the internets on August 4, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    I have a sneaking suspicion that some people are not, in fact, doing what their facebook/twitter updates say they are.

    I remember throwing punches around…

    In the arts, the internets on July 9, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    …and preaching from my chair.

    You know the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Toto pulls back the curtain and it’s just a little guy pulling levers and turning knobs? Of course you do. Sometimes I wish we could do that with the internet – pull back the curtain on the jackasses who use the relative anonymity of the medium to write aggressive, simplistic, lowest-common-denominator bullshit. Yes, I’ve been reading chron.com again.

    I saw Steve Winwood and Eric Clapton in concert a couple of weeks ago. Winwood’s solo performance (on piano) of Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys was inspired. Worth the cost of admission. They closed out the show with Dear Mr. Fantasy (I think – that was a few scotches into the evening), which is an awesome song anyway but made moreso because of the players. On the walk back to the car I spotted a guy in a Satellite Lounge tee shirt. Don’t see those too often [removes hat and lowers eyes briefly].

    After my blog about noisy flip-flop wearers, a few coworkers half-jokingly asked if I was writing about them. Evidently there’s a bit of flip-flop guilt floating about my office. Also, evidently more coworkers than I realized read my blog.

    blah-di-blah

    In lists, people be trippin', the internets on June 15, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    - The former Pig Stand on Washington Ave. is about to open up as a two-story sports bar. Ye gads.

    - Finally found a use for Twitter. I was going home from a meeting last Monday night when I encountered a roadblock on Montrose at Waugh. While sitting there not moving, I logged on to Twitter to see if anyone had posted information about what was happening. Someone had. So, while I have little interest in learning what my lovely friends ate for lunch (though I still love you), I do appreciate using the site as a way to obtain immediate news (and share when I’ve written a blog because it brings me new readers). The only way to manage the online part of my life is to pick and choose what I spend my time doing (both reading and writing). I’d rather spend 15 minutes writing a blog entry than 15 minutes writing 100 Twitter updates. And that’s okay. The only other option is to go totally luddite in a cabin in the woods, and I’m not at that point. Yet.

    - On the way home from grocery shopping Sunday morning (before 10AM), I saw a motorcyclist pulled over on 610 near the Woodway exit. He was standing next to his motorcycle…wearing a rifle. Is that legal? To ride around on a motorcycle with a rifle strapped to your body? Seems it should at least be in a carrier or something. Maybe it’s not as intimidating when he’s in motion because his hands are busy operating the motorcycle. But driving by someone who could shoot you with one easy movement is not a comfortable situation in which to find yourself. I realize, of course, that living in Houston means that I’m probably never very far from people with guns. It was just such an odd thing to see on a sunny Sunday morning.

    - There are a shitload of cameras on I-10 between Studemont and Washington. What’s that about? I’ve been noticing cameras more and more in this city. We’re turning into London. Mind the humidity.

    - One of the new theatre groups I’ve been working with (Horse Head Theatre) is this week’s Cultured Cocktails featured artist. Happy hour is from 5PM to 10PM this Thursday (June 18) at Boheme on Fairview, with a portion of the proceeds going to Horse Head. I’m excited because I hear the place has good sangria. I love good sangria and am even sort of fond of shitty sangria.

    let’s all go to the movies, or UNPLUG you jackals

    In douchebags, the arts, the internets on June 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Yesterday, James and I hit a matinee showing of Drag Me to Hell. We go to the movies only about once every couple of years. It just doesn’t come up that often.

    After some drama at the ticket kiosk (overly-tattooed jackass jumped in front of me in line – I said, “HOW RUDE,” he turned around like he was going to say something then saw me and James and thought better of it), we found our seats. Once the film started, there were little spots of green and blue and white hovering in the darkness. Seems some people pay money to sit in a darkened theater so they can send text messages and read their email. Then about halfway through the film, the guy in the row behind us and one seat over decided to put his bare feet on the top of the seat next to mine. Which brings me to this question:

    Where the fuck did manners go?

    I mean, it’s tacky to put your feet on a seat in general, but it’s really unacceptable to do so when another person’s head is mere inches from your nasty toes. There was an article in the New York Times recently (I can’t find it or I’d give you the link) about bad behavior at the theatre, which I haven’t seen in Houston too often, but I can definitely say there’s some real shitty behavior happening at the theater.

    I’m amazed that no one answered a call, but I guess they didn’t have to because they were typing the entire time. The film was very entertaining – gory, gruesome and loads of fun. If that can’t keep you engaged enough to put your fucking phone up for an hour and 45 minutes, you need to reevaluate what you find interesting. Because writing twitter updates about how you’re at the movies and it’s making you LOL should be a lot less interesting than having the actual experience with no distractions. Last time I checked, you have to look down to type on your phone. Looking down during a movie kind of defeats the whole purpose, you know?

    I know because I had to keep fighting the urge to look at all of the floating green, blue and white screens in my periphery.

    fringe, among other things

    In the internets, theatre on May 20, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    The fringe festival that Six Of One Productions participated in this past weekend was a lot of fun. It was great hanging out/talking with theatre people from so many different groups around Houston, way beyond the dozen or so that participated in the fest. I was especially pleased with the reaction to Militia Slumber Party, or Embracing the New World Order. Dennis did a great job directing the piece, and each of the actors brought a lot of life to their characters. I’m always amazed at the magic of the collaboration that happens in the theatre arts. It is truly a team effort. And oddly addictive. As always after a production, I’m motivated to get to work on the next thing. I’m about three scenes/20 pages into my latest play, and I’m itching to get back to work on it.

    Thank you to everyone who came out in support of our show and the other pieces in the festival. The crowds were pretty sizeable, which bodes well for Houston theatre. More and more theatre groups are forming lately, and they need audiences to survive. Speaking of audiences, the stuffed animal play is going to be in New York again (if you’re there and interested in seeing it).

    Yesterday, the internet was atwitter with the news (confirmed as false a few hours later) that Patrick Swayze had died. The ghoulish way that so many people jumped on that story – without it being verified by any credible news source – was a creepy testament to the way social networking sites spread news, whether true or not. It’s a smaller version of the way mass media works, where each person wants to be the one to “break” the news to their group of people, so they immediately post “RIP Patrick Swayze” before things have been verified.

    I love this stuff, though I’m bothered by the reference to putting it on roasted dog meat.

    along comes Mary

    In the internets on April 30, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Man, the subject lines in my spam filter are especially interesting today. Here’s a sampling:
    - Choose your comfort level as a swinger
    - Wondering where is your ass?
    - Need real anti-fungal?
    - We got tablets to heal any disease you suffer from
    - Where is Mary?

    James and I are going on vacation very soon, and I’m really worried that I’ll randomly have an allergy thing happening but some overzealous flight attendant is going to think I have baconitis and kick me off the plane.

    Funny that this “pandemic” is ramping up concurrently with sweeps (April 23 – May 20). If someone hasn’t already, it would be interesting to compare the news cycle with sweeps weeks for the past few years. I smell a thesis…

    the bloggess is FUNNY

    In the internets, theatre on March 10, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    This is one of the funniest bloggers I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for the link, Marisa.

    Though I haven’t gotten the specifics nailed down, Six Of One Productions is going to participate in the Houston Fringe Festival in May. We’re getting together this week to talk about what we’ll be doing – probably some stuff from the show at DiverseWorks (including the infamous “fuck me in the ass” monologue that was on the evening news) as well as Militia Slumber Party, or Embracing the New World Order. Some of the pieces we did in the DiverseWorks show will be different this time because I actually have the ability to tweak the scripts. As you’ll recall, when we did the last show I was still writing it until two weeks before we opened…so we basically presented first drafts. Not so with this production. Also, I’m stepping out of the role of director and passing that job to my friend Dennis. Not sure what/if any new stuff will be included – I’m busy working on my first full-length play right now, which I hope to debut right before Christmas (assuming we can find a space for free/cheap), and I don’t want to lose momentum.

    morans

    In people be trippin', stupidization, the internets on March 5, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    I tend to ignore most apps and invitations on facebook. The invites for a water balloon fight, the pokes, the prods, the games of hot potato. I’ll occasionally join a group that catches my fancy, but that’s about it.

    One of my facebook contacts – someone I went to high school with who obviously doesn’t know me at all – sent me an invitation to sign a petition to put Jesus back into the public schools. Because that’s what’s going to make that happen. A bullshit petition on facebook.

    (Side note: When will these “my God is the RIGHT God” asswipes realize that you can’t shove religion down people’s throats? Or that there are many other flavors of religion besides Christianity in this country? I know, I know. There’s no point in getting into that argument. You either get it or you don’t. But come on.)

    Anywho, I decided to check out the Jesus/schools page. I scrolled down through a few of the comments and was struck by the theme that immediately presented itself. Here are two un-doctored comments from the first few entries I saw.

    I agree to put Christ back in the schools. Who was the moran who wanted him out?? They must be very sad and lonely… Pray for them so that they may find our Lord.

    free education from beurocracy and make it free for all.

    I would suggest that these two geniuses need to worry less about to whom people are praying and pay more attention to their ability to communicate effectively. They obviously spent more time in school praying than they did learning their lessons.

    Oh, wait. Maybe not. Because I’ve noticed a trend on facebook as I get reacquainted with people from high school. The kids who were the craziest back then, the ones who were lucky to make it to graduation without dying or losing a limb or pregnant, those are the ones who now are conservative bible thumpers. Funny how that works.

    Morans.

    it’s like you’re reading my mind, Jon Stewart

    In the internets, things that make me happy on March 3, 2009 at 6:53 pm
    The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
    Twitter Frenzy
    www.thedailyshow.com
    Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

    1990 is alive

    In the internets, the outdoors on March 3, 2009 at 4:58 pm


    (A shot of one of the stop signs in a UH parking lot taken last week.)

    I was with Marisa when I took this, and I said to her that Hammer Time was happening around the time “these kids” (get out of my yard) were born. She then reminded me about one of the great things about the UH campus – it’s not just for the kiddies. I was 30 when I graduated with my undergrad degree, and I never felt old or out of place. I mean, no more than usual.

    Sometimes in the morning when I’m running late for work, I sing this over and over in my head: I’m late, I’m late for a not so important date.” It makes me get there faster just to make the song stop.

    My experiment with Twitter may be coming to an end. I don’t post anything on it, and I haven’t found myself particularly inspired by anyone else’s entries. Maybe before we do our next show (in May) I’ll start ramping it up as a marketing tool. Guess I don’t need twitter marketing for my regular bullshit. This blog serves that purpose.

    dickipedia and etc.

    In the internets, work on February 19, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Check out the dickipedia. Nice. There are a few names I’d like to add.

    Went to the country last weekend to see the family in general and my new little nephew Rowan in particular. We played pass-the-baby for a couple of hours. He slept in the crook of my arm for a long time – now I know what baby elbow feels like. It’s really nice to have a new addition to the family. Now I won’t be the only kid at Christmas.

    I have picked up one, possibly two more theatre clients (to do some writing) in the past couple of weeks. The dream of working from home becomes slightly more clear yet remains far in the distance. If only I could piece together enough income from writing arts grants, making beaded jewelry, playing with dogs, spouting off about things I know very little about, reading books, being sarcastic, cooking, creating interesting travel itineraries, giving unsolicited advice, feng shui-ing rooms…

    Since we’re going on a trip in May, I thought I should put a period on the end of the last trip (to Grand Canyon). So I made a little video (from still shots and grainy video shot on my digital camera). I might put it on youtube and include a link here, in case you want to check it out. Everyone should go to Grand Canyon at least once. I look forward to going again some day, but there are some other places I have to hit before that happens.

    [In case you're wondering what's up with the picture of Stella at the top of this entry - I'm trying to get into the habit of including images with my blog posts. In the future, those images will hopefully relate to the content of the post. If not, it'll just be something random.]

    I have a question

    In question, the internets, work on February 11, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    What did people who work office jobs do before the widespread use of the internet?

    I didn’t get a “day” job until the internet was already a part of office culture. In fact, my first day job was web-based researching and writing for business almanacs (yes, it was as exciting as it sounds), so I spent my entire work day online. This also meant that part of my day was spent fucking around online and not working, and that was ten years ago, before the true time wasters had even been invented.

    One of the things that gets me through the drudgery of office life is my ability to take a 10-minute break and write in my blog or look at pictures on facebook or read reviews on Amazon or shop for plane tickets for my next trip. If I didn’t have that outlet, I’m not at all sure what I would do. Talk to my coworkers? Stare into space? Make lists of other places I’d rather be? Make unnecessary trips to the bathroom?

    I refuse to believe that the people who worked in offices two or more decades ago spent the entire day working. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. It also makes Crystal go cuckoo.

    [Please note that this is not a work ethic thing. I have no problem with working hard. I do have a problem with spending 8 or more hours a day staring at a computer and not being creative.]

    old home week

    In the internets on January 6, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    I joined facebook a few months ago. I’d dragged my feet doing so because I didn’t want to have to keep track of yet another site. But I find myself on myspace pretty much not at all – I go on there to post a copy of what I write on blogger and to respond to the occasional email, but that’s it. So I realized I wasn’t really adding to my internet load, and I was joining a site that had more of my contemporaries on it than myspace does.

    My initial “friends” on facebook were mostly people I still see. People from the Alley, PBS, current friends. Now that my network has grown a bit, I’m coming across more…random people. And they me. In the past week, I’ve reconnected with: 2 guys I lived in the UH dorms with (’88), 2 chicks I worked at Chili’s with (’89), 2 buddies of mine from the Lizzard’s days (early ’90s). Not to mention people from high school, whom I haven’t seen/spoken to since graduation 20 (!) years ago.

    The phenomenon of getting reacquainted with people from your past is…odd. Are you not currently in touch because of time, distance, divergent interests, a falling out? With some people – mostly those from the high school era- I would say divergent interests (and disinterest on both parts) is the culprit. Which is why we now tend to exchange a couple of emails (Hey! How are you? It’s so great to hear from you. You’re bummed that Obama won? Hhmmm. Okay. Yeah, I’m not really into guns. Or Jesus. But good for you. I’ll talk to you later.), and then that’s it.

    Now that I’m getting in touch with people from my early college years, it’ll be interesting to see where that goes. The emails will probably go back and forth a little longer, and I think that we’ll have more things in common, but I’m not sure we’re all going to start hanging out again. I don’t see my current friends enough as it is. Still, there’s a comfort and satisfaction in sharing a laugh or two with people who were in your life when you were still evolving into an adult.

    (Yes, I realize I am still evolving into an adult, but the pace has slowed. Dramatically.)

    twit(ter), or Hey You Kids, Get off My Lawn

    In the internets on December 19, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    I have tried and tried, but I totally don’t get Twitter. I mean, I understand the concept – I just don’t see the point.

    Who cares that I’m eating lunch at [fill in the blank]? Or that I’m picking up my dry cleaning? Or sitting in traffic? Or that I LOLed about something to the point it made me ROTFLMAO?

    The level to which we have become voyeurs and exhibitionists is mind boggling. And I say this as a person who blogs, but you will note that most of my blogs center around the observational. The outward. I’m not writing in intimate detail about everything I did that day or who I had personal interactions with. Because, really, who gives a shit?

    Text messaging is already disruptive enough in social situations. Now we have to deal with people Twittering about who’s in the bar with them? What if I don’t have an interest in people knowing where I am? Even parties now feature live web cam feeds. I would rather not have random strangers (or just the strange) watching me (or, I should say, everyone in camera-sight – not me in particular) at a party. What if I needed to pick my underwear out of my ass? Can I get a little privacy? Nope.

    I know that some of you are big texters, Twitterers, web cam feeders, etc. Please feel free to chime in. Maybe I’m missing something interesting. Maybe this next wave of internet intrusion is passing me by, and I’ll be left in the wake, blogging to no one while everyone else has moved on.

    dork

    In the internets on November 20, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    I’m really excited about the new themes that Gmail is offering. The stark white design (which used to be the only option) hurts my eyes sometimes, especially after looking at a particularly dark website and then popping over to Gmail.

    It’s the little things…

    My two favorite themes so far are tree and mountains.

    the best/worst thing in the world

    In animals, the internets on November 13, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    My friend Lisa shared a link to a puppy-cam that features six fat little puppies in their doggy crate. It is the best/worst thing in the world. The best because it is oddly meditative and calming, watching these little pups slowly breathing, their tiny feet twitching with dream movement. The worst because it makes me feel like the kind of person who would do her shopping in the Lilian Vernon catalog while wearing a cat sweatshirt and occasionally crying.

    no time to write

    In lists, the internets, things that make me happy on October 27, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    But I did want to share a few links with you.

    Ron Howard

    Jon Stewart

    Wassup

    vital stats

    In the internets on October 16, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    My blog lives in two places. Attached to one of those two locations is a stats counter. One of the things the counter tells me is how people land on my blog. Here are some of the more interesting search terms that brought visitors over the past six weeks:

    - good lord and butter
    - why are fat white people so stupid
    - crackhead lucy
    - weird shits
    - ufo crystal jackson
    - lex luthor super duper
    - eccentric uranus
    - 15 sec porn moments
    - monkeys puckering up
    - fletch bluebird shoulder
    - yellow rain slicker
    - fox newspeak
    - rubdown my mom neck –dog –horse –equine
    - beautiful black baby
    - conservatives outbreeding liberals
    - salt and its action on snot
    - my bunion blogspot
    - dog that looks like rat
    - security cavity search free
    - assbad
    - gummy worm pizza
    - galaxy 102 8:30 this morning end of world
    - hangover sweating
    - scotchguard bedspread
    - spamalot erection

    The one about the rubdown/mom was kind of worrisome. I need to look up which blog entry satisfied that search.

    SA-bound, unplugged

    In housing, the internets on September 29, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    I’m going to spend the latter half of the week in San Antonio at the national PBS conference. Though it would have been fun to travel further away, I’m actually kind of excited to go to San Antonio. I haven’t been there in at least a decade. The hotel is at the River Walk, so I’m sure I’ll check that scene out. My friend Marisa told me to go to the Museo Alameda to see their exhibit of social sculpture. If you know of anything else cool happening this week, please let me know. Most of my daytime hours are full, but my evenings are free. Mostly.

    The internet and cable came back this weekend. I realized, not having the internet at home for over two weeks, just how much of a time suck it is. I’m at a computer all day, and typically at night I’m online at home. Instead of zoning out in front of the TV, I zone out in front of the computer. There’s just so much to read… So over the past three weekends, internet-free, I’ve gotten all sorts of things accomplished. The main thing this weekend was painting the bathroom. You wouldn’t think it would take too long to do that, but you would be wrong. Especially since I bought the wrong color the first time. And Home Depot near the Heights is still not fully functional, so everyone was going to the (much more expensive) Lowe’s just down the street. So I lost a couple of hours just dealing with getting a color that worked. It looks so nice in there now that it was totally worth the effort.

    See, once the distraction was taken away, I started seeing things with new eyes. The cobweb in the corner of the living room. The dingy paint in the bathroom. And I’ve enjoyed being so busy. I’m thinking I’m going to pretend the internet doesn’t work at least one day per weekend. It’s healthy to be unplugged every now and then.

    convention doobie

    In michael mcdonald, the internets, things that make me happy on August 29, 2008 at 1:50 am

    Michael McDonald and Bruce Springsteen are both performing at the convention tonight (though not together – can you imagine?). I dig it. MMcD is still sporting quite a mop of thick, white hair. He and Anderson Cooper should model for Silver Fox magazine, assuming there is one. If there isn’t, perhaps I have found my next project. Every once in a while, from a certain angle, Michelle Obama reminds me of Sigourney Weaver.

    I received an email today from a poor countess in another country who is dying of “thurberclosises” and wants to give me her millions of dollars because she has no family and randomly found my email address on the internet. I feel for the poor gal, but at least she’s not suffering from kantcer.

    Obama’s coming on. Later.

    mouse elbow

    In the internets on August 24, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    I have mouse elbow. I spent six hours yesterday and four today redoing my website. I originally just planned to update the site but soon realized I needed to do a complete overhaul. The main problem with the previous version (other than sucky design) is that I tried to make it about Six Of One Productions. SOOP only does a show once a year (at most), so there wasn’t a lot of content. It’s now specifically a playwright’s website with a little Fight stupidization thrown in. I included the pictures that have been taken by friends who’ve put their stickers somewhere. Since I’ve now offered (on the site) to mail a sticker to anyone who sends an email requesting one (and tells me how they’re fighting stupidization in their own lives), I’m hoping to get more pictures to add. I only have a couple dozen stickers left. It’ll probably take me two years to get rid of them – I don’t get a lot of traffic…

    dammit!

    In the internets, theatre on July 31, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    I vowed not to join any more social networking sites because myspace/blog plus all of the blogs I subscribe to, various news outlets I read and travel sites I drool over take up enough online time as is. But HoustonPBS is using Facebook as a communications tool, so I kind of needed to create a profile. Plus, for whatever reason, the site has come up a lot in conversation recently. Perhaps Facebook is experiencing a resurgence, I don’t know. The good thing is, since I already have other profiles on myspace and linkedin (and probably other places I’ve forgotten about), it was really easy to set up a new account. Now when people ask if I’m on Facebook, I don’t have to see the look of disgust/confusion when I say, “No, but I’m on myspace.”

    Militia Slumber Party, or Embracing the New World Order received its production debut in New York week before last. Here’s a shot of the cast:

    Yes, the guy in the middle is wearing camouflage pajamas. The script calls for camouflage FEET pajamas, but the director had a hard time finding those in adult size. Go figure. If we produce this show in Houston in December, I’m going to either find the feet pajamas online or have them made. They also have to be TIGHT. Ahhhh, comedy.

    what a stupid face cryjack

    In the internets on June 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I always try to scan my spam filter before deleting the messages it has caught, just in case a real email ended up there. I do this at least once every 24 hours. When you scan your messages like this, you see trends among the spammers who are pimping…what? Since I never open the messages, I don’t know what they’re selling. Something to do with penises and/or porn, I guess. Just like so much of life. So the trend I’m noticing right now is something to the effect of, “we caught you cryjack” or “what a stupid face cryjack.” Is telling me that I look stupid or suggesting that you caught me either naked or on the toilet (both?) supposed to make me open the email? Hhmmm…this might be an extortion plot. I better see what they have a picture of me doing. Perhaps the people who go in for the penis/porn products also are worried that someone will catch them buying/using the penis/porn products. I’m almost curious enough to open one of these “you’re stupid” messages but not quite. I’m afraid it might make the message correct.

    [I hope we don’t have filters at work that scan for inappropriate workplace language. This really is a fear of mine.]

    artistic statement

    In douchebags, the internets on April 25, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    This is one of those things I’ve debated writing about. On the one hand, it’s really funny. On the other, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But it’s too funny not to share with you, so if the person this is about ever stumbles upon this blog…sorry. I really don’t know what else to say.

    I received an email a couple of nights ago from a guy who said he’d run across some of my work and found it “truly creative.” I’m assuming he found my email address on my website. I have no idea where he might have found my work (if he actually did) since theatre kind of exists in the moment. Unelss someone is passing scripts around. He said that he too was a writer (and a painter) and wondered if I’d ever like to get together for coffee.

    He told me his name and suggested that I check out some of his work online. So I did. Not because I ever planned to meet this guy for coffee – come on – but more out of curiosity. I found a few of his poems. They were…how shall I put this…they were the kind of poems that guys write to get laid. And his paintings (mostly) were studies of different women plus a few that featured the same man. I’m assuming the paintings of the man are self portraits. So I started getting an image of this guy that may not be at all correct, but it makes me laugh.

    I picture him as around my age, maybe a bit older. White. He’s standing in front of an easel painting his latest image of a girl. The girl (she’s in her early-to-mid 20s, the age at which females are most susceptible to this kind of bullshit) is reclining on his bed, half covered by a sheet. As he paints her (from the neck up, though his eyes keep drifting downward to a part of her body he would probably refer to as the “secret place where woman- and girl-hood collide”), he recites snippets of his poetry. The girl is half glad she’s there and half wondering if he might be a little gay. She doesn’t care because he’s painting HER. Just a week ago she was working in a coffee shop, bored, and now a writer, a PUBLISHED poet, is painting her. She hopes she can keep the painting, but only if she looks pretty. If she looks like one of those twisted Picasso faces, he can keep it.

    So I’m laughing to myself about this created little man in my head when I stumble upon his artistic statement. This is where my writing ends and his begins (though I wish I could claim the following as my own because it’s just so fucking perfect). You’re welcome.

    As an artist, I am an excellent teacher, and the viewer is my student. I teach concepts that cannot be spoken with language; they can only be felt and experienced.

    My paintings are literally endowed with consciousness, and will communicate with the student, if they are prepared to listen.

    Contained within each painting is a piece of the student, waiting to be discovered.

    I am also an unteacher, unraveling the limiting ideas taught by traditional education. I ask only that each student discover their own ideas about identity and selfhood. Each student, therefore, must unlearn what they think they have learned.

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