Fight stupidization.

But I did want to share a few links with you.

Ron Howard

Jon Stewart

Wassup

What a joy it was to vote yesterday. To sense that perhaps the end of the dark ages is nigh.

Just think about all of the things that will go away when Bubba Bush/Satan move out and Obama/Biden move in.

- No more nuke-you-lur.

- No more frat boy bravado.

- No more celebration of willful ignorance.

- No more stealing from the poor to give to the rich.

- No more sleight of mind, where people become consumed with words like “pro-America” without really understanding what the concept means.

- No more politicians pretending to be an “average Joe” redneck on the farm/tundra/tarmac while wearing $800 shoes and laughing at the stupid fools who keep them in office.

- No more hearing that “liberal” equals “terrorist” or “doesn’t love America” or “elitist.”

- No more embarrassment when traveling overseas (unless wearing a fanny pack).

- No more fake reality (the Bubba Bush concept of “if you repeat a lie enough, it becomes the truth”).

So much crap going out, and so much wonderment coming in. I don’t believe Obama is the second coming (of course, I don’t believe in the first coming either, but that’s a different story). But I do believe in the quality of his character. I believe he is an honest man, a smart man, an even-tempered, kind man who is honestly in politics for the right reason. I’m sure he has his megalomaniacal qualities – you’d have to in order to run for President- but I think that aspect of his personality is kept in check by everything I just mentioned.

It was my pleasure to pull the lever (well, turn the wheel and click) for Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden. I hope they continue to earn the love and respect they have engendered among so many of us.

I like how McCain keeps talking about people who are “pro abortion.” As if there are females out there who intentionally get pregnant so they can then go experience the joy of having an abortion. You know, ’cause it’s so much fun. Like shopping for your first bra or giving your first blow job, it’s a right of passage that girls giggle about on the phone. In fact, mani-pedi parties are out for the pre-teen set and fake abortion parties are in. Pass me the turkey baster.

He’s really got his finger on the pulse. The slowly decaying, close-minded, simpleton, redneck, dumb fuck pulse.

Sarah’s greatest hits. Watch it, if you dare. It’ll make your ass twitch and your brain hurt.

She reminds me of Dick Cheney in more ways than one. She gets that same death stare look in her eyes when she’s challenged. And she shares that same dangerous lack of humility, morals, shame, care for her fellow man. My theory is that if, God forbid, McCain wins the election next month, the Republican cabal will let her serve in her secondary role for maybe six months before they bring her ass down. They’ll either intensify one of the many scandals or will “encourage” her to step down for the “sake of her family.” She’s not like George W. He’s an easy puppet to control. This skeeze won’t be so easy to tell what to do. Where Bush has put his misguided dedication to “the Lord,” his cronies and his family first, Palin puts only Palin first. McCain should worry about that bitch sneaking into his room at night with a pillow to snuff the bitter life out of him.

I’m really excited about wearing my Obama shirt when I go vote. I’m thinking if I’m really friendly to the other people in line and I look good – the shirt’s tight and I fill it out pretty well, if you know what I mean – maybe I’ll be able to sway a few undecided voters. Do you have any tips on ways to impact the masses?
– Kitty, San Antonio

Put that shirt away if you’re planning on voting in Texas. Or Delaware, Kansas, Minnesota, Montana, New Jersey, New York, South Carolina, Tennessee or Vermont. Each of these states prohibits voters from wearing politica insignia, which is defined as pins, buttons, t-shirts, hats, stickers, labels, etc. I’ve looked at the Texas Secretary of State Elections Division website, and I’ve yet to find the exact parameters of what’s acceptable attire at Texas polling places. So they aren’t making it easy to find this information.

Here’s what Snopes had to say on the issue.

So I guess what I’m telling you, Kitty, is that you will be taking a chance wearing your Obama tee to the polls. Worst case scenario is they tell you that you can’t wear the shirt inside to vote. This is when you really hammer your message home – take the thing off in front of your new recruits and turn it inside out. That’ll earn you at least a couple of votes for the cause.

And, yes, I do know what you mean.

[While trying to find out the answer to this question, I ran across this article. Interesting.]

I’ve been a fan of Houston mayor Bill White for some time now. He’s made tangible (good) changes to this city. He doesn’t come across as a career politician but rather is closer to our ideal image of what a public officer should be: Someone who truly wants to make a difference because it’s the right thing to do. He’s not a camera hog like Sheila Jackson Lee (notice she was in front of the cameras a lot at the news conferences the first couple of days after the storm, but once the reporters started taking FEMA and other officials to task, she miraculously disappeared). He’s a guy who’s trying to get a job done.

And he’s been kicking ass through this hurricane situation. I think that if he could personally go out and reconnect everyone’s power, he’d put on a hard hat and do it. That’s why this story is so fucking ridiculous. Mr. White was frustrated by the snail’s pace of the relief effort, so he used “salty” language – I’m pretty sure it was the word “fucking” in reference to some trucks. As in, “You need to be getting these fucking trucks out of here.” So the two workers (women, of course, because we girls are just too sensitive to hear such language from you fuckers) complained — all the way up to the governor of their state (Georgia). So the Georgia guv called the Texas guv to discuss this “incident.”

Seriously? Here’s a quote from the Chronicle’s story:

In a written response to the two Republican governors, White said that he grew frustrated last Tuesday when he visited the distribution sites and found they had nothing to hand out to the thousands of people waiting in line.

“I did use words that I have never used in the Sunday school class I teach, but which were closer to the vocabulary General Patton used when he was trying to keep his army moving,” White wrote. “I apologize to anyone who believed my anger was directed at them.”

Hhmmm. Is this about saying the f-word (and by “f-word,” I mean FUCK) (fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck) to a couple of workers in the heat of the moment during a very trying situation, or is this about the fact that White’s star is shining a bit too brightly throughout this ordeal, and the party of Rove is trying to knock him down a peg? White has been a badass throughout, never straying into the ridiculous territory of Ray Nagin’s “chocolate city.” He’s coming through like a champ, and I guarantee you he has fans across the political spectrum. That always scares the people in charge.

Go, Bill, go. Fucking right on with your bad self.

Um, are the democrats sleeping right now or what? Did someone kidnap them? Or maybe give them a ruffie? I’m being serious.
- Steph, Houston

Hhmmm…good question. They (and by “they,” I’m referring to Obama and Biden) have been noticeably quiet for the past week or so. I have a few theories as to why this is.

1 – Perhaps they are letting the hubbub die down over the hypocrite-with-striped-hair, assuming the media will eventually tire of running the same pit bull/moose hunting/camel toe stories and start talking about real news. Since the Rovian tactic of not putting her in front of the media is working like a charm – they’re getting lots of free advertising without letting the world know just what a dumbfuck this hick is – I think it’s time for a reevaluation.

2 – Perhaps they think that the American public is just toying with McCain and his “ticket for the same, wait, I mean change, yeah, change,” knowing that the people who live in this great country are smart enough to see that the choice of the white trash grandmother was purely to distract from McCain’s strong (90% same voting record) support of the policies (failed) of GWB. I think it’s time for a reevaluation.

3 – Perhaps they have become disgusted by a slack-jawed public that is (if the conservative media can be trusted) responding in a positive manner to someone who’s good at toting the party line and regurgitating (performing) words but has no substance of her own. Maybe they’ve just said fuck it, if the majority of the country is really this retarded, let them have it. Let all of the jobs go to China. Let the gas crisis bankrupt most everyone (of course, not special people like the failed CEO of Freddie Mac, who just walked away with a $24 million severance [sorry, that was the guy from five years ago - the guy this year is only getting $14.1 million] while the rest of the country is bailing out the businesses they fucked up). Let them think they’re “fiscal conservatives” when the economy is at its shittiest when the Republicans are in office. Let them talk about a “hands off” government that is not only telling women what they can do with their bodies, it is also listening to our phone conversations, reading our emails and peeking in our windows at our tepid sex lives, which are boring because we’re all so tired from ingesting high fructose corn syrup and trans fats.

Maybe it’s time for America to reevaluate.

In case you missed this segment on the Daily Show a couple of nights ago, check out this clip. Jon Stewart is the only thing keeping me from throwing my television out the window in frustration. I tried to watch part of the convention the night Palin was going to speak, but when I turned it on and heard Mitten Romney talking about the “elites” on the East Coast, I turned the TV right back off. That stuff is all so tired. Don’t people, even the most lacking-in-imagination and fearful-of-change types, get tired of the same party line? The constant name calling? It’s like Giuliani with his incessant 9/11 mentions. He’s like the high school quarterback who seemed poised to go to a really good college but then they caught him smoking dope behind the field house so he ended up doing two years of community college before going to work for his dad at the garage. He’s the sad sack at the bar who keeps talking about his glory days while the rest of the world has moved on.

Palin has nailed that fake-tough persona that is so popular among Republican suburbanites. You know the type. The one who is always at the PTA meetings bitching about how crazy everyone else’s kids are, how they need to be controlled by their parents. Of course, while she’s at the meeting simultaneously patting herself on the back and condemning everyone else in the room, her teenage daughter is having a party at home, flashing her tits and stealing vodka from the locked liquor cabinet. The most self-righteous parents always have the most hard-living kids.

I really hoped McCain would pick Mitt Romney for VP, just because it would have been fun to watch. I had no idea he’d take the comedy to a whole new level. After months of saying Obama doesn’t have enough experience to be President, McCain picked a person with barely more experience than your average CEO of a mid-size company. Actually, she probably has less. Prior to becoming governor of Alaska a year and a half ago, Palin was mayor of a town of 9,000. That’s a town with a population of about half that of Brenham. And even before the Dems have had a chance to scour her closet, she’s already embroiled in a number of ethics issues. Were McCain to win (or steal the office), she’d be one abnormal, “I’ve been tortured” heartbeat away from running the country. Yikes.

Surely the Repubs don’t think that women – specifically the disgruntled Clinton supporters – are that stupid? That they’ll just pick whatever has a vagina, even if that person is on the opposite end of the issues? ‘Cause women just like voting for other women, we don’t bother to pay attention to those silly issue-thingies. Tee hee hee.

[Speaking of the Clintonites, they are really pissing me off. Yeah, it sucks that the person you were supporting didn't make it all the way to the finals, but she went further than any other woman has. No small feat. This bullshit about Clinton's supporters voting for McCain is ridiculous (and probably mostly made up by the "liberal" media). Makes it seem like a girl can't play with the big boys. To suggest that she didn't get the nomination because she is a woman is missing the point. She didn't get the nomination because a) she's a Clinton, b) she played dirty and c) she's seen as a continuation of the good old boy network rather than the marked change people are wanting. I think it had little, if anything, to do with her being a woman. I'd love to see a female President, but I never wanted that person to be Hillary Clinton. Sorry.]

My theory is that the Repubs know McCain isn’t a good pick, so they’ve purposely chosen a running mate for him that is sure to drag him down so he can’t continue the Bush-era damage of the party. Palin’s a former beauty queen, for chrissake. She did win Miss Congeniality, though, so maybe she’d do well with world leaders. If not, she could always try a table dance. We haven’t had someone who could do that since J. Edgar Hoover. Funny note from the Wikipedia entry about her (yeah, I know) – she bitched about judges in one of her beauty contests being too “interested” in the contestants asses. Wow – she must be a feminist. Grrrl power.

I just saw a commercial for a cereal, I think it was Total, that used a Canned Heat song as the background ditty. It really bothered me for some reason, and I’m not sure why.
– Abbie H., Chicago

Though you didn’t really ask a question, Abbie, I get your drift. The growing number of 60s rock songs in TV commercials right now is…not exactly creepy… just…wrong in some way.

On the one hand, it’s great that advertisers are reaching out to the 80 trillion graying-at-the-temples baby boomers, trying to talk to them in their language. But with the exception of a few still keeping the faith, most of that generation is zoning out to Michael Buble now. At most, bands like Canned Heat are a distant memory, summoned only when something brings to mind the opening sequence of Woodstock (the movie).

On the other hand, even though these songs are classics, it becomes hard to separate the music from the commercial if you see it more than a couple of times. Do you really want to think about a particular cellphone service provider when you hear Sly and the Family Stone? Do you want Buffalo Springfield to make you think of a fiber laxative? How about Neil Young equals hair dye for men?

Advertisers try to appeal to the “me” each of us wishes we were/pretend we are. So maybe putting Dennis Hopper in an IRA commercial talking about retirees busting loose and doing more than sitting on a beach in Boca takes the target audience back to the time when they might have had some bite. To the time when Dennis Hopper had some bite. And that somehow translates to…putting money in the bank. Whatever.

Makes me wonder what advertisements to my generation will look like when we near retirement, should the world still be turning by then. Smells Like Teen Spirit playing while a balding Johnny Knoxville talks about IRAs?

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]