What is that bright, shiny yellow orb up in the sky? And why is there a slinky gray thing following me around?

The bright, shiny yellow orb is called “the sun.” It’s always above us during the day, but we haven’t been able to see it for some time. Enjoy it while you can because sources say the sun will be gone again the rest of the week. The slinky gray thing that is following you around is probably your shadow, which relies upon the sun to be visible. Unless you’ve angered a demon or something. If so, I can’t help you there.

My job isn’t doing it for me anymore, so I’ve been thinking of making a career change. Trouble is, I can’t figure out what to do next. I’m really organized and good with numbers, but I’d like something that involves working with the public a little more. Any suggestions?

Well, you could take a page from Jeff Yu-Kuang Lin’s career book and make a BIG change. Lin was bored with his software job, so he used the money he made when his company was sold to open a brothel. He said he wasn’t big pimpin’ for the money but because he wanted to try “something different.”

Those of us who have suffered from the occasional bout of work fatigue can understand his decision to shake things up. However, most of us wouldn’t go into the ‘ho business – not even on the days when an ice water enema is a more attractive option than going into work. There are more reasonable alternatives.

The best thing to do when considering a job change is to think about what you like and what you are good at doing. Do you like dogs and want to be your own boss? Start a dog walking business. Do you enjoy kids and want to make a difference in the world? Enroll in fast track certification and start teaching in Houston’s public schools this fall. Have a green thumb and like making sausage? Open a, uh, charcuterie and plant boutique.

Life is too short to spend chained to a desk if you really long to run through the grass barefoot. Good luck figuring it out. Make sure you let the rest of us know so we can follow your trail.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

Can you please explain to me the thinking behind headlights that stay on AFTER you’ve turned the car off? Unless your car is pointed exactly the direction you’re walking in, the lights don’t do you much good. What’s the deal?

Picture this. You’re standing outside at night – perhaps you’ve just finished dinner and are waiting for the valet to retrieve your car from a spot a few feet away – when you see a guy pull into the parking lot next door to the restaurant. He hops out of his car, but the headlights remain on. You yell over to him, “Hey, buddy, you left your lights on.” He barely pauses to look over at you with a combination of pity and disgust and then says, “They turn off on their own.” At that moment, magically, his vehicle’s lights turn off. He walks into the all night tanning salon or check cashing place, and your eyelid starts twitching.

So it would seem that the point is to make the occasional good Samaritan feel like an asshole. A twitchy asshole.

Dilettante knows from personal experience that the average person mistakenly leaves their headlights on long enough to drain the battery exactly ONCE. You tend to not forget again. But car manufacturers seem to think that the average person is incapable of managing his/her business. Are we really so stupid that we can’t find our way without a talking computer telling us when to turn? Are we really in such a hurry that we need remote start buttons on our key fobs, just waiting for our fat little fingers to push them?

The only thing today’s cars are missing is a place to put the Grey Poupon.

When the skies opened this week, trapping me in my car for over an hour while I waited for high waters to subside so I could get home, I started going a little stir crazy. There’s something very wrong about being in your vehicle and not moving. Unless you’re in traffic, which is a given in this town. Since Houston seems to flood at least once a week, do you have any suggestions for in car entertainment?

What, you don’t have an in-dash DVD player? For shame. You must be one of those old-fashioned people who likes to pay attention to the road while driving. BOR-ing.

- Did you know that you can use the u-shaped thingy in your car’s door jamb to open bottled beer? This, of course, requires that you have bottled beer on hand. I recommend you keep a cooler in the trunk of your car for the remainder of the summer thunderstorm season, just in case.

- Keep home-office receipts in your glove box, and you can work on your taxes while listening to some Doobie Brothers.

- Get out of the car and commune with the other stranded drivers. This is a great opportunity to take the pulse of your fellow man. Just watch for traveling hordes of mosquitoes.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

My husband and I went out to dinner last night. The restaurant was valet only, and it cost $6. We didn’t really mind until we watched the attendant park the car just a few feet from where we were standing. Then, after dinner, we had to give a different valet guy a few dollars for a tip when he retrieved our car. Seems kind of ridiculous to pay almost ten bucks for a parking job when the car is never more than a few yards from the entrance to the restaurant. Is valet being offered as a service, or is it just a scam?

Dilettante feels your pain. She can remember back about ten years ago when restaurant patrons had the parking lot for self-parking. Valet parking, if it was offered at all, took place far enough away that attendants spent the entire night running, full steam, between restaurant and unknown parking place.

At some point over the past few years, there was a global shift in Houston restaurant parking. The valet and the customer have traded spaces. If you’re not interested in valet and wish to park your own car, you know about unknown parking place. It’s at least a block or two away. It might be a dank, mostly-empty parking garage with poor lighting, or it might be on the street next to a weedy, vacant lot with no sidewalk. Or, if you are unlucky enough to be on a street with multiple three-story townhouses that require a driveway every few feet, there is no place to park. Except for the restaurant’s parking lot, which can only be accessed by a car driven, recklessly, by a valet attendant.

So you keep driving, trying to act casual while your dinner companion repeatedly tells you to just valet the car and be done with it, dammit. You begin to explain why you will not just valet the car and be done with it, dammit, but you stop mid-rant because you see a spot. Ha ha! It’s less than a block from the restaurant! You come to a smooth stop, getting ready to throw it into reverse and back in only to find a “no parking from 9AM to 8AM” sign. Sigh.

It is at this point that Dilettante just keeps on driving. If a restaurant is going to make it that hard on the customer who is uninterested in handing over the keys to a guy in a little vest, the customer has the option to not hand over any money to the waiter (who might also be wearing a little vest).

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]