The former global AIDS coordinator had to resign from his position this week because it came to light that he hired “escorts.” How do people in power expect any of us to take them seriously when it seems like every week another “leader” is outed for not practicing what they preach?

Since when do people in power think they get to live beyond the rules they themselves have created? Since the beginning of time. Duh.

They need to follow the lead of the Who’s Pete Townsend. He was busted buying kiddie porn online, and when caught claimed he was doing research. See, that absolves you of responsibility. You’re doing it for the greater good of humanity. Research.

The man you mentioned, Randall Tobias, encouraged abstinence rather than the usage of condoms in preventing the spread of HIV/AIDS, saying that condoms were ineffective. When busted this week for having used an escort service, he claimed that he only received massages. (Sound familiar? Pastor Ted Haggard also claimed he was just getting a massage from the male prostitute with whom he had a three-year relationship. If Tobias and Haggard were really just getting massages, each would have gone to a licensed masseuse rather than risk scandal by using an escort service. Obviously.) Tobias should have said he was doing research. A hand-to-penis “massage” is a great safe-sex alternative that doesn’t require a condom. See how that works? Research.

Might have worked for Haggard, too. Instead of attempting the lame “massage” defense and the tired Bill Clinton “I didn’t inhale” excuse in reference to the meth Haggard “purchased but never used,” he should have said he was doing field research. Know thine enemy and all that. Research.

And should the day come that Dilettante is found doing drugs with Rush Limbaugh while twirling a gun on the tip of her finger, assume it’s research and move on. Quickly.

Everyone thinks my boyfriend is gay. I’m a girl, so this is a problem. I think they are just buying into stereotypes. Yes, he likes musicals and doesn’t eat meat and has a really cute apartment that he decorated himself and has shared with the same male roommate for seven years, but all of that is superficial. If he were gay, why would he be dating me?

Research. He’s just doing research.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

This was a rough week for the gun lobby. Federal “safeguards” didn’t stop a very disturbed young man in Virginia from being able to purchase guns that he later used to kill lots of people. Though there has been no official statement from the NRA, many pundits, talk radio callers and a guy sitting at a bar in Houston who was overheard by Dilettante have been saying things like, “If gun laws were less strict, more people would be armed all the time. Then this kind of shit wouldn’t happen ‘cause someone would have blown that guy away as soon as he started shooting.”

Now that’s an argument. Rather than strengthening laws to keep guns out of the hands of suicidal, violent people, let’s arm everyone. Let’s start taking gun-fighting-in-the-workplace classes. Look – you can be in a business suit and high heels and still shoot people! It’s your right as an American! Fire away! Oh, and don’t forget to duck!

If everyone were armed, you could challenge someone to a duel after slapping him in the face with a glove and demanding satisfaction. What, did you think that arming everyone would lead to some sort of Cold War among the populace? That people are going to think, “I would shoot this guy in the back while he’s not looking, but I’ll bet he has a gun. I better not.” Come on.

No doubt arming everyone would change things. Imagine sitting in church with a hangover and wanting to sleep for just a bit during the sermon. Then you see the preacher looking at you. He subtly touches the gun he’s wearing over his robes. He raises his eyebrow, as if to say “You love Jesus, don’t you?” You do love Jesus, but you’re not ready to see him yet, so you pop a mint and stay awake.

When a guy is trying to pick someone up in a bar, instead of talking about his car or how much money he makes, maybe he can just pull out his gun. Go ahead, touch it. I like having other people’s fingerprints on it. And you know what a big gun means. It means someone is compensating for other…shortcomings. Best move on. Look for the guy who has one of these.

Fashion for today’s female leaves little to the imagination and no room for a wallet, so where’s a gal supposed to keep her gun? Putting it in your purse wouldn’t work because you need to have it on you at all times. You never know when someone’s going to try to kill you. Just imagine sitting on the toilet at work or at the mall, and you ask the person in the next stall to pass you a few squares of toilet paper. Perhaps that rubs her the wrong way, and she shoots you for bothering her while she’s doing her business. If you had your gun on you, you could have stuck it under her stall first and gotten that tissue. Instead, you have to sit there and air dry as you slowly bleed on the tile floor.

And at what age do you arm someone? There seems to be lots of gun violence in schools. It wouldn’t be enough just to arm the teachers because they occasionally leave the classroom to sneak off to the teachers’ lounge for some coffee and a quick smoke. Guess we better arm the children. I’m sure they’d be responsible and not do anything stupid like get in a “pretend” gun fight with real guns. Kids are Americans too. The Second Amendment doesn’t have an age requirement.

After all, guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

What do you think about Don Imus getting fired? What about the right to free speech? Shouldn’t he be allowed to say whatever he wants?

He has the right to free speech. And the companies that advertise on his show have a right to not support him. If you have an issue with that relationship, blame it on the fact that there are just a few media conglomerates in this country. Add to it the fact that those giant companies are all about kowtowing to advertisers, and there you go. And, regardless, this was never a first amendment issue. Here’s why.

Don Imus is, like, 80. And he has bangs. Anyone who has bangs at that age, scratch that, any MAN who has bangs at ANY age immediately forfeits his right to talk shit about anyone else’s appearance. More specifically, the hair part of anyone else’s appearance.

There’s a whole list of male “celebrities” who can’t talk shit about hair. Phil Spector. Carrot Top. Donald Trump. The list goes on.

I just bought my first Harley, and I’m not sure what to do with my long hair while I’m on it. I’m prolly not gonna wear a brain bucket, so I have nothing to tuck my hair into. Should I just braid it?

I’m guessing you’re a large fella? Maybe in his mid-50s? With long gray hair? Wearing a leather vest over a too-tight tee shirt? If so, that skinny, fuzzy braid is not going to do anything for your look. You need something with some pizzazz. Something that won’t let your hair blow around too much when your head hits the pavement and splits open because you’re not wearing a helmet. You need to get one of these.

If I have misjudged your gender and you are a woman, what are you, fucking crazy? WAKE UP, girl! Wear a helmet! You can get a cute one that won’t sacrifice your style too much.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

I am confused about all the controversy surrounding the big chocolate Jesus. It seems to be a logical way to combine at least a couple of the disparate elements of the holiday that have always been particularly confusing to me (a giant egg-laying rabbit who bestows chocolate eggs to commemorate the resurrection of Jesus). So what’s the deal?

There are many questions regarding the Bunny-Candy-Jesus triangle. Does the Easter Bunny hang out with Santa? Probably not since they live in really different climates – Santa at the North Pole and the Easter Bunny in a verdant meadow somewhere warm. We know that elves make the toys that Santa brings – does Jesus make the candy that the Easter Bunny brings? Why is it that parents are so blasé about oddly-dressed strangers sneaking into the house in the middle of the night and leaving presents and candy on Christmas and Easter, yet we can’t eat the cookies made by our quiet next-door neighbor who spends his evenings talking to his dog in the garage? Does anyone truly like the taste of Peeps? And are they biodegradable?

Candy is really delicious, with the exception of Peeps, so most people think it’s best not to say anything for fear it might muck up the whole operation. Then you get older, and the Easter Bunny doesn’t come around as much, and you figure what the hell. Let’s talk about it.

So those long-haired pagans marked the beginning of spring with many symbols of life, renewal and fertility. Eggs (from chickens) and bunnies (from other bunnies) were a big part of the festivities. When Christianity came along, the new religion incorporated existing traditions into their own celebrations (it’s a lot of work planning a one-time party, much less laying the groundwork for holidays that are to be celebrated in the same way every year for centuries). Boom – eggs, bunnies, Jesus. As far as the candy goes, I think it’s just an easy way to get the kids interested.

Regarding the banned chocolate Jesus sculpture (which is called My Sweet Lord – seems the more obvious choice would have been Chocolate Jesus) one has to wonder if most of the controversy surrounds the sculpture’s, uh, twig and berries. Almost every news story about this issue mentioned that Jesus was depicted sans loin cloth. Since chocolate Jesus candy has been around for years with little or no known controversy, that little (or big?) detail has to be the difference. If the sculptor/chocolatier had chosen to put some clothes on his statue or do the Ken doll action of this candy, perhaps everything would have been okay.

The real question, of course, is where do you start eating a chocolate Jesus? It would be rude to bite the head off. You can’t start in the middle because the whole thing would fall apart. The only real option is to begin at the toes. It’s the polite thing to do. Just make sure you don’t savor the naughty bits too much.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]

When is a banana just a banana?

This reminds me of a joke.

Q – How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A – Banana.

Regarding your question, you must contextualize the banana in order to find the answer. If you are dreaming of the banana, and in the dream you are naked in the produce section while stock boys spray down the melons with those little water hoses, and then later in the dream you are eating the banana, there might be something more to it than just being a piece of fruit. On the other hand, if you’re having lunch with your grandmother, in a dream or in waking life, the banana is probably just a banana. At least, I hope so. I really, really hope so. Oh, unless it’s a Chiquita banana. Then you’re funding terrorists.

My son is doing really well in school. His teachers say he’s a model student, the other kids seem to like him, his self esteem is high. What can I do to teach him that life is not always going to be so kind? I learned that lesson when I was in junior high and had to wear headgear to school every day. Sadly, my son has really straight teeth.

Simple. Pack his banana in this. Ass-kickings will quickly follow.

I used to really relish the attention I got when talking on my portable phone in public. I felt, you know, important. Special. Now even little kids have them, so what can I do to stand out in a crowd?

What era are we talking — shaped-like-a-brick ’80s phones? If you’re unwilling to develop any interesting personality traits or start giving away money or something, I guess you could get one of these phones. It will be sure to attract attention … until everyone is talking on phones shaped like pieces of fruit. Of course, not too many other fruits have the correct shape for this sort of activity. It would be really hard to talk on a phone shaped like an orange. You’d have to keep rolling it up and down your face to talk and listen. A pineapple would be too big. Strawberries wouldn’t work unless you had two — one at your ear and another at your mouth.

Now that I think of it, bananas are shaped just like … phones.

[This column originally appeared in its entirety on Houstonist.]