Fight stupidization.

According to my web stats, this blog still gets semi-regular visits. Though I’ve removed links to get here from my website, I’ve left the blog active because, well, you never know. Maybe some day I’ll go back to keeping two blogs active.

I’m still committed to the fight against stupidization, and you will find the bulk of my online writings at my other blog. Feel free to visit me over there.

I tend to ignore most apps and invitations on facebook. The invites for a water balloon fight, the pokes, the prods, the games of hot potato. I’ll occasionally join a group that catches my fancy, but that’s about it.

One of my facebook contacts – someone I went to high school with who obviously doesn’t know me at all – sent me an invitation to sign a petition to put Jesus back into the public schools. Because that’s what’s going to make that happen. A bullshit petition on facebook.

(Side note: When will these “my God is the RIGHT God” asswipes realize that you can’t shove religion down people’s throats? Or that there are many other flavors of religion besides Christianity in this country? I know, I know. There’s no point in getting into that argument. You either get it or you don’t. But come on.)

Anywho, I decided to check out the Jesus/schools page. I scrolled down through a few of the comments and was struck by the theme that immediately presented itself. Here are two un-doctored comments from the first few entries I saw.

I agree to put Christ back in the schools. Who was the moran who wanted him out?? They must be very sad and lonely… Pray for them so that they may find our Lord.

free education from beurocracy and make it free for all.

I would suggest that these two geniuses need to worry less about to whom people are praying and pay more attention to their ability to communicate effectively. They obviously spent more time in school praying than they did learning their lessons.

Oh, wait. Maybe not. Because I’ve noticed a trend on facebook as I get reacquainted with people from high school. The kids who were the craziest back then, the ones who were lucky to make it to graduation without dying or losing a limb or pregnant, those are the ones who now are conservative bible thumpers. Funny how that works.

Morans.

A few weeks ago I was in the bathroom, when one of my coworkers entered, went into the stall next to mine, and took a seat. The following is what I heard.

- 10 seconds of silence
- “God damn, I hate my life!”
- 5 seconds of silence
- “Hey! Hey! Hey!”
- 1 minute of silence
- “Piece of shit.”
- 30 seconds of silence
- “Damn, I hate my life.”

Then he left.

I was not sure what to make of this encounter.

The following Friday, a group of us went out for a beer after work. One of my other coworkers who has an advanced degree in Psychology mentioned that he believes this gentleman to be borderline schizophrenic. It is important to note that he said this unprompted by me. Things began to make sense when I heard that.

Have you ever had an experience like this (not necessarily while in the bathroom)?
– Tracy, College Station

Before I get to the bathroom encounter, I want to say a little something about your coworker the psychology major. What I’m about to say is based solely on empirical data, so take it as you will. Your coworker is nuts. Every single person I’ve ever met who studied psychology in college, whether working in that field or not after graduation, is fucking crazy. I don’t know if they pick that as a field of study because they’re trying to fix themselves or if they like knowing that they’re not alone in crazy town or if they’re in complete and total denial and think that they are not only not crazy but are in fact so not crazy that they can help others be not crazy. Regardless of the reason, you can take to the bank that your coworker has bodies in the basement, is secretly in love with a parent or has to say the pledge of allegiance before bed each night while naked and hopping on one foot. Something.

On to your question. No, I have not had the sort of bathroom experience you’ve described, though I kind of wish I had. Going to the WC is a fairly mundane experience (assuming you’re healthy), so it’s nice to have a little something to jazz it up. I used to know an old lady who had joke toilet paper in her guest bathroom. The paper had jokes printed on it, it wasn’t a joke like “ha ha, this is fake TP. You have to use your hand.” Because that’s not funny. And neither were the printed jokes, but I appreciated the effort. And the expense. This was, like, two or three decades ago. Do you know how expensive that stuff must have been? As if that weren’t enough, the toilet paper was hanging on a holder that had a little radio built into it. So you could also listen to music while you were sitting there not laughing at the jokes on the toilet paper. Very, uh, thoughtful?

As for whether or not I’ve had encounters like this outside of a bathroom – I was a bartender for a decade. So, yes.

Regarding your coworker, maybe he just needs a pick-me-up to make his life a little brighter. Might I suggest a roll of Loo Laughs? Of course they’re offered by a British company. Scroll down and you’ll see other printed TP options, including Sudoku and crossword. I’m thinking that if you’re sitting there long enough to fill in a crossword, perhaps you might want to look into that.

[Ask a Dilettante invites your questions. Send all queries to crystal at cryjack dot com, and you will receive a response within a week. Ish.]

Thanks for the laughs.

Oh, and for totally fucking up our country.

I have tried and tried, but I totally don’t get Twitter. I mean, I understand the concept – I just don’t see the point.

Who cares that I’m eating lunch at [fill in the blank]? Or that I’m picking up my dry cleaning? Or sitting in traffic? Or that I LOLed about something to the point it made me ROTFLMAO?

The level to which we have become voyeurs and exhibitionists is mind boggling. And I say this as a person who blogs, but you will note that most of my blogs center around the observational. The outward. I’m not writing in intimate detail about everything I did that day or who I had personal interactions with. Because, really, who gives a shit?

Text messaging is already disruptive enough in social situations. Now we have to deal with people Twittering about who’s in the bar with them? What if I don’t have an interest in people knowing where I am? Even parties now feature live web cam feeds. I would rather not have random strangers (or just the strange) watching me (or, I should say, everyone in camera-sight – not me in particular) at a party. What if I needed to pick my underwear out of my ass? Can I get a little privacy? Nope.

I know that some of you are big texters, Twitterers, web cam feeders, etc. Please feel free to chime in. Maybe I’m missing something interesting. Maybe this next wave of internet intrusion is passing me by, and I’ll be left in the wake, blogging to no one while everyone else has moved on.

Houston Press responds to KTRK’s story about public art in Houston.

In light of the increased traffic to my blog, I thought I’d extend the offer that exists on my website.

If you would like your very own Fight stupidization. sticker, send an email to crystal at cryjack dot com with your address and your plan to fight stupidization. I have about two dozen stickers left, so first-come-first-served.

What is stupidization?
Stupidization is a disorder that has been around for a long time but is reaching epidemic proportions today. From well-dressed-yet-vacuous politicians to your neighbor who always wears a bluetooth headset (even in the pool), people who are afflicted with stupidization often don’t realize they have a problem. Instead, they go about their lives – navel-gazing and mouth-breathing – not understanding there’s a big, wide world out there. A world that has more to offer than fast food, fake patriotism and gastric bypass surgery.

Who is affected by stupidization?
Though stupidization does not discriminate and can affect anyone at any time, it tends to hit certain groups harder than others. Those most susceptible include hipsters, constant text messagers, paparazzi, fake magicians with TV shows, bloviating jackasses and people who use an in-car computer to find their way to point B.

How do I fight stupidization?
Each person’s plan is unique to that person. I choose to fight stupidization by writing plays that address current societal issues in an absurd way in hopes of inciting conversation, internally or with others, among audience members. You might fight stupidization by boycotting soulless TV programs that display the worst mankind has to offer. Or throwing away that water bra and embracing your slender figure. Or realizing that a bald head just means you need to wear more sunblock. Or keeping your eyes open and paying attention to what is real while ignoring the mindless chatter that surrounds you. Or realizing that there is still hope for humanity, and we’re not necessarily on the path to destruction.

If you’re like me, you probably don’t watch the local news. I had to watch it tonight because I knew I was going to be on it.

No, I didn’t finally run willy-nilly through the streets, branding people’s foreheads with Fight stupidization. while yelling about the gentrification of the Heights. That is kind of expected. The reason I was on the news tonight – in an “investigative” piece no less – is because someone thinks that my playwriting ain’t art and, in fact, should not be supported by taxpayer dollars (specifically last year’s grant from the Houston Arts Alliance).

From the sleazy way that Dwayne Dolcefino talked about me, you’d think I was writing hard-core porn. Of course, he’s basing his opinion on ONE line from my last show. Why only one line? Because I only mentioned one line – the most bawdy of the evening – in my final report to HAA. Yes, that’s right. He didn’t have a hidden camera set up at DiverseWorks to catch all us subversive artists in the act. He decided to put my likeness (from my website) (two pictures, by the way), my name and even my motto on the nightly news because of ONE FUCKING LINE.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great line. I’ll share with you exactly what he read in my report:
This monologue features a character from a town about fifty miles outside of a large, southern city. The man grew up with a homophobic father who constantly told him to “watch out for the queers.” Though the character cannot admit it to himself, he is gay. His opening line (I’m not a queer, but I want someone to fuck me in the ass pretty much as soon as possible.) was intended to surprise the audience and set the tone for the rest of the show. It did so, very effectively. The monologue was not written to shock or be titillating. Instead, it showed us a very conflicted man who grew up bashing gay men but who now desperately wants to be loved by a man. He cannot admit this to himself, so he creates an entire “queer conspiracy” to explain away his actions.

There you have it. I’m sure Dwayne read the full paragraph, so I can only guess that he willfully ignored what I said after the line that got him so excited. Because if he digested the rest of the paragraph, he might have understood that I used a device – similar, in fact, to the over-the-top drama he utilizes in his reports – to grab the audience’s attention. Many people suffer from the misapprehension that female playwrights are only going to talk about women’s issues (periods, breast cancer, rape, bad hair days), so I purposely grabbed the audience by the figurative balls (see, there I go again) to let them know that this wasn’t going to be a weepy chick play. Then I got on with the show.

As for the condescending way in which the news program treated “art,” some people get it and some people don’t. I at least hope that a few of the people in the news room got a kick out of my dirty little line. The audiences sure loved it.

Can you imagine if I’d said yes to Dwayne’s request for an interview? I’ll bet he would have made me read the line to him. Over and over and over.

[I'm not linking to the story - if you want to see your pal Crystal on the "news," go to ktrk's website and head to the "undercover" page. I'm going to go wash my hands now.]

Wow. Way to go America! Though I was optimistic, part of me is so used to being disappointed that I remained guarded. Especially living in a red(neck) state like Texas. I am pleased to see that Harris County went to Obama.

The Republicans who sit outside my office haven’t said anything this morning. One of them appears to have a cold and is sniffling a lot. Otherwise, not a peep. Which is good. Because I don’t think I could sit here and listen to any crap about how he stole the election (guess 7 million Mickey Mouses showed up to vote with a fake ACORN voter registration card).

McCain’s concession speech last night was great. But it doesn’t negate what he did and allowed to happen in his name for the past few months. A coworker who voted for Obama but liked the McCain of 8 years ago said that we saw the “real” McCain last night. I disagree. He can’t try to swiftboat his opponent and “go negative” and use air quotes and pick a turdmucher like Palin and talk about people being “pro-abortion” and then get excused because he gives a conciliatory speech. Today’s McCain is the doddering, angry, twitchy one we saw under pressure. Perhaps the “real” McCain that people claim existed has gone extinct. It may have been around 8 or 20 years ago, but it’s gone now. Speech or no speech.

I can’t wait to see what our new government can accomplish. I look forward to watching a President who leads with calm compassion and thoughtful introspection. I want to put my cynicism aside. I want to believe we can pull ourselves up out of the muck. I want to see an end to the Toby Keith/Hank Williams Jr. fake patriotism that accomplishes nothing. I want America to put real learning (rather than standardized tests) first so we aren’t buried by the Chinese and other countries that understand the value of an education.

I want it all to be okay.

I told my boss I might be in late tomorrow for one of two reasons. I’ll either be up late celebrating the pending end of the dark ages, or I’ll be packing my bags for Canada.

Some McCain supporters at work are talking about “voter fraud” right now. I guess they’re preparing themselves for disappointment by suggesting that an Obama win is not a legitimate one. I understand that this is a scary time for conservatives as progressives gain a strong foothold. Perhaps it had to take 8 years of COTUS (Cletus of the United States) in order for us to arrive at this destination.

And I’m not counting chickens early. The day is young. But regardless of what happens, there’s a glimmer of hope for America. Maybe we aren’t just a country of mouth-breathing, navel-gazing asswipes who are more concerned with what the celebutante of the moment is doing than what we’re doing as a collective entity. There was a time (the founding of our country) when our leaders were big thinkers with good vocabularies and strong minds. Imagine a return to that level of discourse. That we again celebrate and value intelligence instead of calling it “elitist,” as if it makes you an asshole to have a brain.